My Last Words On Rad Matthews

Yeah that is who you think it is.

I took that back in February...or maybe March when he flew over here.

I got an e-mail tonight from one of the Borderboys readers that posed a question that I just had to sit and think about.

He asked, "Why do you keep defending and apologizing for Rad Matthews when he has threw you away like trash, just like he did to the rest of us that supported him and his work?"

Yesterday I sent yet another add friend request with a personal message from my private MySpace. I suppose he read it but of course I am not on his list...again with no explaination why.

Between the question in the e-mail and that I have had it.

I have to say what I feel and since this is my personal blog I can say whaty I damn well please.

I know from our conversations that he really didn't want to be Rad Matthews anymore- just Stephen (his real first name is not a secret since he now refers to himself by his real name on his MySpace). I had made it abundantly clear to him that I was friends with Stephen not the naked Rad Matthews and he knew that.

This was just not an acquaintance type friendship- like I have with guys like Chase Harding.

This was someone who texted ILu2 (i LOVE YOU TOO) and led me to believe that despite the age difference- which he always said he didn't care about- that he really cared. I cared as if he were a family member and he led me to believe the same.

I went through the fear and the drama he had when he was not certain he would get off probation. I worried myself sick when he was getting the biopsy and had the cancer scare and all the while I was there to support him.

And that was not easy for me.

While I worried with him before the results came I had to relive what I went through when I learned my own son was diagnosed with the same variety of cancer Rad was fearing he had. My boy died in 2002 and even through I was reliving some of the pain from that time I kept my word and was there for Rad Matthews.

When someone would talk shit about him I would defend him and spent countless hours and dollars listening to him as he went through some scary times and when I jeard the joy in his voice when he got the results of his first module at school and he was at the top of the class.

I also spent a lot of time on the phone listening to him lament about certain people dropping him like a hot potato and not giving him any rhyme or reason for why they suddenly decided to be cruel to him.

Yet he has turned around and did the same thing to me as he whined about others doing to him.

When Andy Kay wrote his diatribe about Rad missing a shoot he was on the phone with me asking for defense and if you read the Borderboys blog you know I defended him to the death because people were believing Andy at face value without Rad being able to defend ghimself.

I put my time, energy and reputation on the line to defend him and prove that I was not just some silly old lustful man but a real friend...the same kind of friend I thought he was

Now I don't expect a medal or anything for what I have done but I did expect to be treated not like some run of the mill Rad fan whose only interest in him is his buig fat cock. I expected an adult...the same adult that proved to me that when he was being Stephen he was not like people said he was.

I expected at least some sort of communiccatuion. Some sort of explaination.

At the start of his disappearance, before I realized he deleted me and his fans from his MySpace and got rid of his blog I called rwice and was hung up on. I sent emails asking for an explaination and offered to give him all the space he needed but I simply wanted to know why he threw the love, the friendship and ttne intimacy back in my face.

Yes intimacy- which means open, honest communication- he heard more about me and my partner than anyone I talk to and I know more about him, his family, his family life, why he was on probation and a host of other things no one in thegeneral public knows about.

That is how intimacy developes and it did with us...and there is nothing sexual about that.

I think given the commitment I had to him in this "friendship" and the way I made him a priority...blindly trusting his word sometimes, I fear, at the expense of the truth of others I deserve to have at least recieved a response that said something like "I don't want to deal with porn or be Rad anymore and just want to finish school and do the rest of what my goals are so I am taking a break from everyone and when I get stuff sorted our I will contact yiu."

Had I been given that sort of response rather than the silence and the complete middle finger brush off than this post wouldn't be needed.

But I am human...believe it or not I am.

I am not a god damn bot that auto writes blogs.

I have feelings and at this point I have a mixture of them as far as he is concerned.

There is sadness because I feel used and abandoned.

I feel angry because he did the very thing Jesse Starr warned me he would do back in February that I refused to believe.

I feel frustrated because there was, and still is, no explaination for why he would eliminate from his life someone who, for all intents and purposes, was one of the few people that really gave a damn about him and not just his cock and the porn shit.

Will I start disclosing what we talked about; why he was on probation and all the other juicy things people are dying to hear?-

NO

THAT WILL SERVE NO PIRPOSE AND NO MATTER WHAT HE HAS DONE TO ME I AM NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT STUFF THAT IS NO ONE'S BUSINESS BUT HIS.

Will I still talk about him on the Borderboys blog?

YES

The pont of that blog is to critique and present the work of the various studios I cover- not a place to share personal feelings so if he is in a scene that I cover and it is good I will write about it and I hope you all will stop emailing me, with nasty remarks about him, every time I do.

As far as I am concerned the issue of Rad Matthews is closed- here and on my other blog.

I am totally over the whole thing and it will be a long time before I trust anyone who tells me they care about and love me- the reality is most people NEED me and when they are done needing me they go away.

I have had enough of that and expect to be treated the way I treat other people.

That goes for him and everyone else.

I am sick of people pretending to be nice and then when push comes to shove they don't follow through.I wrote about what my partner and I are going through, on th other blog, and how- given the amount of time and work I put into Borderboys for the thousands of readers a week to cough up some cash in the donations to help us buy something silly like... fucking food.

I even asked that just ten people out of thousands- and this includes the so-called friends that read the blog or who I write about- to just donate $10 and that would make $100.

Only one person bothered, who prefers to remain anonymous...the rest just turned a blind eye because I guess with people these days it is my job to give and give while people take fron me until there is nothing left...or they just go away like Rad did.

I just deserve better and I am sorry but this is how I feel.

And yes despite it all there is an empty part of my life and I do miss him- crazy ass me- right?