INTO THE LENS

Before I started the Borderboys post this morning I had to do a quick post here. Some of the reader comments I am getting are really great and I wanted to share part of one reader David Michael...who writes the DAVID IN THE VALLEY blog wrote so eloquently:

It is a major double standard and it honestly does not help when a "twink" uses his charm, sex appeal, looks, body to get "What he wants" then when the well dries out, he moves on and doesn't give you the time of day.

Not all of us middle-aged gay men are wealthy. But, we all do have feelings!!

Not all of us are out to "get the next twink". Some of us just are real genuine people who are only looking for pure friendship - nothing more - nothing less.

And it does sadden me that twinks of today don't want anything to do with you unless you have money or are in some other type of position to help them.

They also seem to forget that in about 20 years, they are also going to be a middle-aged gay man. I have noticed on twitter, that a lot of the twinks have some major drama.

Always talking smack about someone else. You DM them or tweet them and they do not even have the common respect to answer you.

They only complain to others that some "old creepy guy" is bothering me. Some of them take genuine friendly comments or what have you as "oh know, they want something, I had better stay away".


UNLESS DAVID...like I said before in earlier posts you look like the dude in that picture above.

And I am not making it up. I see how men that look like that, who are fortunate enough to have the metabolism or the physical ability to work out three times a week (I really have tried myself but with the Chronic Fatigue and the constant muscular pain on normal days doing that makes me feel like a truck ran over me), are treated compared to someone that looks like me.

The message that rings loud and clear is that you are only worthy of love and the same respect you try to give if you look great on the outside.

And that is really sad.

We actually do have feelings...and yes I have heard the same people that reeled me in and who convinced me the "love"- paternal on my part was mutual tell me about how others have hurt them in the past by doing exactly what they do to me or other middle age men. So it is bad when someone rips their heart out but since we are old bastards it doesn't matter.

Now not all twinks are like that. Roxy Red comes to mind. I have known him since the beginning of the year and both my partner and I think of him as extended family. Not once has he played any games or disrespected me- he has been sincere and has been genuinely a good person.

Same with Aaron Tyler. Although Aaron and I had a business disagreement a while back he has always been a friend...no matter what people say to him and no matter what others tell me they think about him he has been sincere. He probably is the one person in the business that immediately included me- no questions asked, no concern over how I looked or how it looked with him hanging out with me...just real friendship and a real concern for my feelings as well.

But most are conditioned to believe that us older people just want something from them as you said, David.


The fact of the matter is that most middle aged gay men, whether they deny it to themselves or not, naturally possess paternal instincts. Especially if you are a guy like me that actually, albeit accidentally made and subsequently lost to disease a biological child of your own...exactly one month from today it will be 8 years since he passed away from the terminal lymphatic cancer.


If you had a teenage life like mine- where there was no older gay male mentor to help me through the almost daily rough spots (remember I was outed in a town of 34,000 people when I was 12)- you grow up naturally wanting to give youth something you never had. At least that is how it works for me- I had no one as a young adult- aside from the people that wanted me in bed...back when I had the youthful look and tight body. Young people do not understand that some of us get real joy out of being there and especially seeing youth that are troubled pulling through the mire of shit they are in and coming through it like a champ.

I think the reason I do what I do is not to make the younger person into a substitute for my son but to carry on for him. What a lot of people do not know is that before he passed away, one of the last things he asked of me was to take care of other boys like him-he came out as gay to me when he was 11.

In other words my son, nearly on his death bed, asked me to help other young people so I would not want to give up and die myself. For years now I have tried to keep that promise I made to him.

But I don't know if I can do it anymore. I can't deal with people saying they love and care until they find a convenient excuse not to. They just do not have the ability to look in the mirror at themselves and if they do they certainly do not have the skills or the ability to own up to their behaviors...instead they just disappear and meanwhile the person that allowed themselves to care and give a damn are left wondering why with their heart in their hands,

For most it is not their faults - it is how they are conditioned these days.

Reader Linda sent in this wonderful e-mail which sums up the problem with people...both older gay men and twinks not really understanding what love and interpersonal relationships that are all based on give and take entail...I will leave you today with her e-mail comment:

I just read your blog post, "Your Own Worst Enemy". In my opinion, things will get worse long before they get better. The problem is that our technology has moved much more quickly than our ability to internalize it. We can instantly message people all over the planet, and stick our noses into EVERYTHING at will.

In my day, when you wanted to meet people, you had to get dressed and LEAVE THE HOUSE! And PHYSICALLY interact with them! Face to Face, for the love of God...Imagine such a thing today...Now, you just 'log on' to whatever site and post away to people you have NEVER met and most likely will not. You can say WHATEVER you want, and disappear, just like that. We have no investment in our social contacts anymore.

The technology gives us the ability to have that kind of instant communication, but it doesn't tell us how to use it. Everything moves so fast, as soon as you learn one thing, it's obsolete and you have to start over again. Younger people who grow up with this technology often don't even learn what an actual person-to-person friendship IS.

So, of course people become afraid to let anyone in. They are simply reacting in self-protective interest. When a part of the body is over-stimulated, it is natural to form a kind of 'callous'. That's all this is. A social 'callous' we are forming in response to the hyper-stimulation our technology has given us. We are all walling ourselves off, like cysts.

I say it will get worse before better, because people aren't learning how to properly interact anymore. It's all becoming "Tweets" and brief little FB messages and 'texts' on cell phones...nobody really TALKS anymore. And yet, they have more opportunities than at any time in history!

People don't read, they don't write, unless they HAVE to. And their day-to-day communications are being reduced to brief snatches of stuff online. The language we use to communicate with each other is being reduced. Since we think in our native languages, any reduction in language skills is going to affect our ability to form coherent thought! This should scare the HELL out of anyone!

George Orwell's 1984 seems more prophetic as time goes on. This is EXACTLY the strategy used by Big Brother to control the population. Reduce their ability to communicate and to even form thoughts, by restricting and reducing language itself.

Anyway, sorry to go off on a tangent there. But this kind of environment is going to affect the people in it. While it seems cold, it is actually only reflecting what we put into it. The same technology that allows us to vote for the next American Idol could help eliminate much world poverty.

But, we opted for the QVC channel instead...

Ah well, what can you do? But that's what it is, Chucky. It's the technology. We, as a species, haven't had the chance to adapt to the changes. Look at past innovations, like the horse-drawn plow. People had TIME to adapt and deal with the new invention. Nowadays? We get new inventions ALL THE TIME. When you do that to people, you fuck them up in the head.

Read Future Shock by Toffler, it describes the psychological effects of this "pulling the rug out".

It's little wonder people lack the basic social skills they need to get along with each other, and because I don't see any improvement soon, I think it will get worse before it gets better.

Sadly that is so true...to all readers feel free to express your opinions here...t5he comments are open but remember they are pending approval so they will not appear until I approve them.

Here is a song from YES...from the year when Trevor Horn did the lead vocals instead of Jon Anderson (older people that know the band will know what I am talking about) called Into The Lens.