TAKE A CHANCE

When it comes to music I usually stick with what I grew up with- progressive art rock and bands that are similar to that.

But randomly today someone sent me a link to this kids videos and I was blown away by his voice.

His name is Greyson Chance and apparently was introduced to the world on the Ellen Show.

I have heard that other kid- the rapping kid Jusrtin Bieber and this young man puts that hack artist to shame. This kid can really sing while the other one calls the crap he does music.

Sorry Justin but this kid Greyson wipes his ass with your so-called music.

So yes, I am impressed with this kid.

Not exactly the type of music I go in for although I do love Lady Gaga.

Here he is singing GaGa's song Paparazzi:



Click here to visit his YouTube page and click here to see his segments on the ELLEN SHOW.

You can click here to visit his official Facebook page and click here to listen to more of his songs including Broken Hearts- a song he actually wrote himself.

Again I usually don't like kiddie singers but this 12-year-old is simply amazingly good.

ON STRYKER

Someone asked me on FormSpring who my all time favorite gay porn star was- my answer was Jeff Stryker.

But I got to thinking that many of the younger peiople may not remember who he is so...according to the Wikipedia page about him:

"Jeff Stryker is primarily known as a performer in gay pornography films, although Jamie Loves Jeff was one of the biggest selling heterosexual adult movies of all time for its producer, VIVID ENTERTAINMENT. He describes himself (in a somewhat joking fashion) as sexually "universal". Stryker was inducted into the AVN Hall of Fame for his body of work in adult films."

Some of the best porn I remember watching featured Jeff..whether he was with a twink or another buff guy the scenes were always hot and he sticks out in my mind as one of my all time favorites.

I never got to meet him in person- of course in his heyday I was younger and not a gay porn reviewer so I just was a fan of his work.

That's it for posting here today...just wanted to put this up just in case the person who asked me who my all time favorite was didn't know who I chose.

Off to go have more fun today- since last weekend was pitifully tragic I am making up for it this weekend.

Cheers!

YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY

(A little background before we start- as well as working in medicine in my past I also worked with recovering addicts and part of that training involved the study of psychology. So I have studied what I am about top write. It is both from what I learned in books and classes and from my own personal experiences as a youth and as an older adult)

I want to continue today talking about the subjects I have been on all week...today I want to take a closer look at fear of intimacy.

Do you remember the first close relationship that you had with your best friend when you were a kid? Just opposite to this 'close relationship' is what is termed as the 'Fear of Intimacy' in Psychology. In any relationship, it is very essential to get rid of this fear. However, to get rid of it, it is first necessary to identify it before it spoils your close relationships- whether it is with a lover, a close friend or even family. Fear of intimacy is a grown-up problem and is never an issue in childhood friendships when you share all your secrets with your best friend.

Fear of intimacy entails lack of enthusiasm and an unwillingness to open up and let slip your true self to another human being, possibly because of a hurting experience in a past relationship.

The determination to avoid getting hurt again most often leads to the fear of intimacy.

I see this in older adults as well as young- especially in the twinks that do gay porn. Most that I have talked to never really had a great home life, in fact most report that there wasn't much love and acceptance at home at all.

After they start becoming "famous" with their clothes off everyone wants a piece of them. Some have tried forming close friendships or even lover relationships but most times they find out that the person that claimed to care had his own motivations- and when they get what they set out to get they usually disappear.

This is why so many people, and again especially people who work in the industry, have this fear of initmacy. They have been hurt and disappointed so many times- by family, so-called friends and men who claim they love them until the next twink comes along. Believe me I hear a lot of stuff from the twinks and the stories are heartbreaking at times.

So the natural defense is to push away when things start to get to0 close. No matter how sincere and real the other person is the voice in the head keeps telling them that despite the clear evidence and the actions, that proved they are trustworthy and loyal, the other person is probably just like the rest that eventually hurt and disappointed them in their past.

So the fear is a conditioning of sorts and a defense mechanism.

Such a fear is also found in people who never got an opportunity to learn how to be open to friends and lovers as they were brought up in an emotionally and socially closed environment. In other words, fear of intimacy is more or less similar to the fear of commitment.

While I am no expert on love I do know what real love means. For me there are two kinds. Romantic love and paternal love. Romantic for me sits exclusively with my partner. Paternal love for me is caring about another person without expecting things in return- just being a constant and reliable person that listens more than anything else.

Again while I am usually the one that gets pushed away there was a time when I was the one that pushed away others myself. I had been so hurt and mind fucked as a teen. When I became an adult- back when I was thin, pretty built and attractive I was one of those people that were too naive to know when I was being played and right when the bastards got my heart they would drop me. Eventually I became cold and if someone got too close- or appeared to be I was find some little reason to blow things out of proportion and push them away before...in my thinking...like everyone else they would hurt me in the end.

That spared me from hurt- I was the dumper not the dumpee...but for a few that I now realize really did care I totally mind-fucked them. I had the chance 20 years later to talk to one I did that to and he told me that he just didn't understand why I let him in and then suddenly shut off everything. He said that he was left feeling like he was being punished for caring; that in my silence sent the message that all the effort he made was for not.

And that is why fear of intimacy is such a bad thing- not only for the person who fears but also the person that gets cut off.

It is bad for the person with the phobia because as I mentioned the other day, they as did I, will eventually run into situations where they need the people that have truly cared. But after pushing them all away most, again as did I, find that the ones we thought cared disappeared and the ones who did that I disappeared on were non-existent as well because they couldn't deal with my ripping their heart out again.

The psychological impact on the person being pushed aside is great too. Self-blame is common and they wonder what the hell they did wrong. They, in turn, sometimes develop the same fear of intimacy as well because the person who fears never pushes away people they do not have feelings for. It is the ones that they actually do love and care about that gets pushed away because it is a scary situation. Especially if they love is for someone that is not within the person's usual or expected preference.

So yes I was both intimacy phobic in my past and as I get older have become the victim at times of the fear of others. What I never understood and what these people that suffer with this fear do not understand is that when you let someone in, when you encourage open, honest communication- especially about feelings. When you respond back and allow yourself to say you care as well most people will embrace that and allow themselves to feel.

The person on the other side, the one who gets shut off, are left with real feelings...not one sided and fantasy but real feelings that were usually encourage by the intimacy phobic and they have no choice but to either ignore them or let the hurt they feel themselves drive them mad. Love, caring and compassion for another, when it is welcomed one day and refused the next, cannot be shut off like a water faucet.

But for people that fear intimacy, despite the guilt feelings they have (they always have guilt because they know they hurt someone that meant no harm deep in their heart) they turn a blind eye because in their mind it is safer to hurt...however unintentional...then to be eventually hurt and left wondering what the person they just pushed away is feeling.

It really is a no win situation for both people and the best way to deal with it is to face the fear head on and be brave enough to talk about the fear. Silence always leads to misunderstandings and assumptions and I have learned that talking not avoiding is the best way to clear the air and to be the friend I claim to be with various people.

Think this may be you or you were affected by someone with this fear?

The following are some signs and symptoms that will help you identify the fear of intimacy, if present, and take steps to get rid of it as soon as possible:

1) Premeditated or intentional withholding of personal information: The person makes a deliberate attempt to hide his/her feelings, personal details, and secrets from his/her partner.

2) Tendency to protect one-self from getting into personal discussions of sharing and caring: The person will try to withdraw when his/her partner talks about his/her thoughts and feelings.

3) Being over-critical of oneself or others: The person having a fear of intimacy either lacks self-confidence, owing to which he underestimates himself, or possesses a negative attitude, owing to which he fails to appreciate any good quality in his partner or friends.

4) Feelings of resentment and embarrassment: Feeling shy or irritated when others talk about their personal thoughts, experiences, or feelings also strongly indicates a fear of intimacy.

5) Lack of affection: People having fear of intimacy often show less or no affection towards their loved ones and pretend to be 'over-practical' in life.

However, one important thing to bear in mind is that there is a big difference between a person having fear of intimacy and a person who is just less demonstrative about his/her feelings. To conclude, if you really wish to develop trust and openness in your relationships, identify this fear of intimacy and try to get rid of it.

But I can tell you from my own past that staying silent and pushing away things never works for either person. This world is so cold these days- people seem to just take what they want with disregard for others so when you find someone that really cares embrace that...don't apologize to anyone that wants to judge...because as I have seen in my lifetime people that truly give a damn are few and far between and it sucks when your chips are down and need that love and compassion the most when no one is there because you pushed them away for the last time they will tolerate.

Perhaps one of the best songs written about fear of intimacy is by Peter Gabriel...I will leave you with his song "That Voice Again" today:

A HEART RIPPED APART

I forgot to add in to last night's post that I will start writing the story in June...this morning I had to come post here first because I read something this morning on Twitter that has totally enraged me. Someone that I had the pleasure of meeting a couple of months back, who is a genuinely nice young man has had his heart and his mind fucked with by a poser.

Someone using the name "PrinceJonathon" was using another person's pics and was getting into the heads and hearts of a lot of people on Twitter.

There is nothing that pisses me off more than some scumbag using someone else's pics to pretend they are a hot twink or whatever. To ease their pitiful life they create a whole new identity just to make inroads with either mainstream or adult performers and others that seem to have a lot of popularity.

This PrinceJonathan, whoever the hell he is, needs to be strung up by his balls because it is bad enough lying and pretending you are someone you are not but then when you start having intimate phone convos and lead one of these guys on it is inexcusable in my opinion. These guys may be all about sex on film but they have feelings and hurt like every other human being. I just do not know how someone could do this to one of these guys.

While this latest bit of internet drama is sad it does illustrate some of what I have been talking about on this blog and in private conversations with friends at home.

First of all it never ceases to amaze me how the twinks will warm right up to a picture. If the person looks like the guy in the random pic on the left that I found he makes immediate inroads.

If the person has a Twitter pic like the pic of the older bear later in this post, below in this post, they either will be ignored or kept at a distance. I am not just assuming this- I know from personal experience watching this dynamic since I use the real pictures of myself and make sure that if I use a banner pic- like on MySpace, I make it clear to people that the twink is not me.

Unless the older person is someone important or is one of the people I mentioned the other day that use their wealth to buy the favors of these guys either with gifts or chemicals they really don't get much attention at all.

But someone that looks like a hottie, that posts a random pic like this is immediate deemed credible and beyond suspicion just because of age and looks.

Sadly that is just how it is, but it is dangerous to assume just because someone has a hot pic that they say are them to make them an immediate friend and confidant. I just cannot stand these fucking posers- that is why when I started Borderboys I decided to use my real pictures.

If you have been following along on this blog you know that lately I really hate how I look to begin with but despite my flaws I had to be honest- especially when I deal with a lot of these adult performer twinks who have had young lives filled with lots of hurt, pain, and disappointment by people that they trusted to care for them in their early lives.

According to what I read this morning this poser did one of the worst things one human being can do to another- rip their heart out.

I talked about the word love earlier in the week and there is another word that people really do not understand- intimacy.

Intimacy is pretty much, at the bare bones level, open and honest communication between two human beings.

When someone calls you frequently, when they sound and act as if you matter in their lives, when they choose to tell you their deepest and darkest secrets, when they say or text the words "I love you" in any form people like me and the young man who was hurt really believe it.

So the natural response is to open up your and start to feel what you are led on to believe the other person is feeling. I can completely understand how this poor soul must feel now. Especially if he is like me- I am usually very closed off when it comes to letting people in.

I have been through the ringer a number of times in my life with people, especially acting as if they care, convincing me that it was safe to feel the love you feel for a friend that is almost like family and then have them drop you like a ball- leaving you holding your heart in your hand when they were done with getting out of me whatever it was they sought.

The worst cases were when they would turn it around on the other person they led on and even though they convince the other they truly care and encouraged them to care they make it seem as if the other some insane person that had no right to feel despite what they were led to believe. I can't tell you how many times I have heard the lament of people that have been through that.

The one that gets left holding the heart in the hand usually starts getting down on themselves but the reality is that the person who said they loved them then shuts off for no logical reason is that they just couldn't handle it themselves so it was easier to make a quick escape.

I have been through that as well. As a result, since the last time- almost two years ago, I have let only two people into my heart besides my partner of eight years. I guess it's safer to stay detached- I can't get hurt that way like the young man did by this poser if I stay closed off.

Again I can really understand how this guy feels inside. You open your closed heart, you really believe what you are hearing from the other person and then to find out that they were either an outright liar or bail out when they come to realize that their words are just not words but they really feel something to it hurts deeply.

There is just no way to rationalize it- it happens all the time especially with men my age and younger twinks.

Part of them likes having the older, paternal type person around and the love and acceptance. But when that real intimacy I mentioned above occurs, when they are not just saying I love you but mean it in their heart for some it is unnerving. There is just no way to explain to friends that you give a damn about some old bastard especially if you are expected to be with a certain type man. Young and old confuse that word love and the word intimacy with sexual attraction. There is a big difference but many fail to see it.

They feel yet it scares them because, if they are like me, they wonder...if they let themselves feel will the bottom drop out and will I be hurt in the end. For some it is better to shut off when it is convenient to spare themselves from the eventual hurt or the embarrassment of having to justify who they love and why to people that are judgmental.

How do I know this?

This is me- my biggest fear is if I allow myself to care that the emotions will be either misunderstood or I will be left standing wondering why what I was lead on to believe suddenly changed up and is no more.

So scenarios like that are bad enough. I imagine being led on by a poser like this guy was is even worse. My heart goes out to him it really does because again I know exactly how he is feeling now because I have felt the same in the past.

So the situation on Twitter seems to have caused heartache more than anything else but what if this guy was one of the sickos out there?

I was talking with my fellow blogger Dewayne In San Diego last night about this very subject.

How certain current industry twinks are using things like FormSpring- the question and answer thing...and revealing too much about their personal lives, their schools and other things that nutcases can use to stalk or worse.

If there is one thing I have learned in a year and a half of doing Borderboys and especially in the past week is that it is so important that these guys keep their performer persona and personal life persona separate.

I made one of the dumbest mistakes so far last week when I posted something myself. Logically I was thinking that since I announced one thing on the Borderboys blog I had to explain why it was not going to happen for my readers.

I posted something that seemed benign at the time but the fact of the matter was that it was not up to me to disclose details- it was up to the other person. Again my logic was to simply tell the truth about what is going on since I try to be as honest as I can on the other blog and this one.

But until this last night and this morning I really didn't have an understanding, at least from the performers point of view, of how disclosing something that is seemingly vague and common can be used by people like this poser to either overstep bounds or worse with these performers.

I really thought I was just being honest with my readers but I have learned that sometimes, unless the person him or herself puts it out there, it is no ones business.

Having done that I betrayed a trust- however unintentional and I never want that to happen again.

You just never know what sick bastards will do with even the most innocuous information. One example is some of the mail or twits I get when I mention I am seeing one of the twink performers.

I get things like, "hope you are having fun eating his ass out" and shit like that. They take a simple meet up and dirty it up. What people do not understand is that most of these guys are completely different people than they appear to be on screen. Felix Russo is a great example. On screen he is the horny little bottom boy but in real life he is in a monogamous relationship and does not cheat on his boyfriend.

I saw Roxy Red the other day and got someone that should have known better mailing asking if "I fucked him". We had coffee at Starbucks and went to a couple of shops in Hillcrest...that's it. Yet people with vivid imaginations, if allowed, would take that simple meet up and twist it into something it was not.

So boy have my eyes been opened about what to disclose and what not to- while I like being honest on the blog there are some things that you all just do not need to know about my personal life and that of various performers unless they put it out.

And I caution a lot of the new performers to be really careful about what you disclose online. Not every person is sane or like me. Generally when I say I love you to someone other than my partner, especially if it a young person, it is more paternal than anything...but there are many that will fall in love with the idea of you and may want to make the fantasy- including sex a reality whether you like it or not.
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So guys please be careful...I know I plan to in the future...I will be guarding the personal info about the performers I talk to even more closely because I do not want to be responsible for writing something the person did not print himself and someone using that to either stalk or worse.

SOUL FOR RENT

I got a wonderful e-mail the other day from a new reader named Linda and we had a very insightful exchange of emails about my non-birthday post.

I may end up sticking them in to the comments. The crux of the emails thus far was that in general, as I tried to state in the post-birthday post, people generally base everything on the exterior- especially if they are in the industry or even just regular gay guys.

Instead of re-writing what I have already I will ask if I can post her response to me response back to her...that is a hell of a sentence...in another post this week.

Long story short- there is a big double standard and as she pointed out it affects females in the straight community as well as us gay folk.

So what else am I going to write?

Well it's something I should have wrote a long time ago and today I am gonna tell you what it is.


There are two things that I love- writing and music. For a while now I have had two fictional story ideas in my head. One involves the gay porn industry and one involves a throw away kid- that one is based on the real website of a real Australian boy that I found way back in 2000.

But I think I am going to start with the first story first- in the email Linda mentions that she also writes adult fiction and that my mail response has inspired her to write a story of her own.

Her email inspired me to actually start writing the story that I have titled "Soul For Rent" so I can get the idea out of my head.

I don't want to give too much away but I will state for the record that the idea, the stories and the plot are not connected with anyone I deal with that is currently in the industry or retired.

Of course every fiction author uses life experiences in their own work so the lead character may resemble people you know but I really don't have one person in mind- maybe it will be a mixture of a bunch of people I have encountered in my life time but not any person in particular.

The storyline does not really come from any particular person's life. In fact it actually comes from music and one song...that I have posted down below.

The song is by a band called Marillion and the title is "Incubus"

For many years I have loved this song and the story that is told within it.

Incubus defined is, "A nightmare, anything that weighs heavily on the mind. In medieval times it denoted an evil demon who was supposed to have sexual intercourse with women during their sleep."

In the case of the song it refers to a celebrity- someone in the spotlight who feeds off someone that helped get them to the top...and then eventually when it suits them wipes the person from their memory "like a greasepaint mask".

But in the end the person that allowed the other to get all the fame and attention gets the last laugh as the person's star starts to fade.

It is a brilliantly written song and is the primary inspiration for the story I am going to write. In the case of the song it is a heterosexual relationship- in my story it will be gay themed since that is my frame of reference.

The song lives on the album FUGAZI (basically that means fucked up") according to FISH, aka, Derrick Dick the lead singer on this album.

Not only did Incubus inspire the story I have in my head but a number of other songs like Emerald Lies, Assassing, She Chameleon and Fugazi to name a few also gave me the working idea for the story I am going to write.

The song Jigsaw is also a big inspiration for the story and its central plot. The song's meaning is described as such:

"When you watch kids doing jigsaws, they'll always take the eye of the koala bear or whatever and sit on it, just for the dominating factor of putting the last bit in. You get to the point where you lie about the last piece, you deny that you've got it.

The other person is aware that you're lying and they hold back four or five pieces so that you can't put in the last piece. Eventually you tear up the jigsaw and say ' We'll do it another day'. That can grow into relationships - where no matter how important that piece is to the other person or the relationship. In general, the song is about the relationship that splits up and forever comes together again. It gets worse because each time it comes back together, more pieces of the jigsaw have got lost, and you can't get them back."

Their album Childhood's End also contributed to the genesis of the idea now in my head and ready to be written for you.

Why all this explanation beforehand?

Well I know how people like to personalize things- I can see the hate mail now from various past and present performers accusing me about writing about them.

Call this post my disclaimer in advance if you like- and so you have it.

I am not sure where I am going to post it. A reader on the other blog suggested something called Nifty Archive which I need to check out...I will let you know here on this blog when and where the first chapters are posted.

Here is the song INCUBUS...you can right click here if you want to read along with the lyrics.




Here is the song JIGSAW...you can right click here if you want to read along with the lyrics.

THE NON-BIRTHDAY

It was supposed to be a really festive birthday spent with my partner and extended family (at least people I consider as such) but as usual my wishes usually get blown away before the birthday candle is lit.

The birthday weekend started off really good but then something unforeseen threw a monkey wrench into it.

Fast forward to Sunday and my partner wakes up walking like a 90-year-old man. Of course the back problem he had flared up and after trying to cope with it Sunday he was in even worse pain yesterday.

I woke up yesterday cursing the universe because I actually woke up for the birthday. But I did...the birthday party consisted of a can of Friskies Ocean Whitefish catfood for my kitty Nicky and my partner writhing in pain on the bed.

No birthday cake with candles- by Monday morning I was afraid that if I lit any candles there would be a low gas leak somewhere in the house and with my luck it would blow up the house.

Once my partner woke up again we finally got ready to head to Hillcrest and one of the local hospitals.

Once there we found the ER packed with people- most with non-urgent needs but with no primary care doctor. I tried sitting in the waiting room for a while but got the hell out of there after some guy hacking and coughing started puking. Before someone thought to get him a bucket he let a stream of vomit fly and it landed inches away from where my feet were on the floor.

Having worked in medicine I went and told the nursing staff that they needed to get the guy the hell out of the waiting room- or at least put a damn mask on him. The poor guy was really sick and when you feel like that you don't think about covering your mouth. Once they saw how bad he was they complied and happily rectified the situation to the relief of everyone in the waiting room.

After two and a half hours we were led to the "Urgent Care" where we sat for another hour plus waiting for an exam room to open.

Finally we were in the back- it was nearly 7pm by that time and our nurse was almost the reincarnation of Bea Arthur from the Golden Girls...I called her sir before I realized her name was Joselyn...talk about being embarrassed to the max! But in scrubs people can look androgynous.

Meanwhile back in the exam room there is absolutely no cell signal so if anyone tried to call me for my birthday they probably couldn't get through to me.

Finally the doctor appeared and examined my partner.

The nurse brought in a bucket of pain meds for him- two Vicodins, two Ibuprofens and one Valium. So in a while he was pain free and playing the song "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd would have been appropriate.

We had to wait for the ever backed up and slow Radiology Dept. to come collect him for a back X-Ray...finally they came. He was in la la land- stoned for sure (it was my birthday and by that time I had planned on being the one buzzed but of course I was completely sober).

The doctor said the X-Ray looked negative- as you know negative in medicine is a good thing.

But we had to wait for the official reading from the Radiologist- who was apparently tied up or just ignoring the calls and the three pages the doctor made. After another hour the Radiologist gave his report and it was discharge time. We got the discharge papers and the scripts and finally left the hospital.

When I was finally back at home I immediately looked at the clock when we got in. I swear on my father's grave it was exactly 12 midnight- May 24th had ended and so did the official birthday.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't blame anyone for turning a potentially happy weekend and birthday into one of the most bizarre and non-festive birthdays I have ever had.

Life on life's terms happens and like I wrote on the post on Borderboys yesterday when I refereed to what the birthday card my mother sent said when you really love and care about someone- be it a close friend, family of choice, a partner or an actual family member the way you prove that is by casting your needs aside...I said, "It is probably one of the hardest things I have had to learn in my life- putting my needs, wants or rigidity to the side to make sure when I say the word love to someone- whether its romantic or just friendship- I put actions into the words that come out of my mouth."

So again no one is to blame for how crappy the last few days have been. There is no way to control what people do or surprise events like a sudden back attack or other life events that unintentionally screw up the best laid plans. So to be angry at anyone for how things turned out would be ridiculous.

It's just how life is...well at least my life is. Still I tried to keep on a happy face for my partner who despite his pain kept trying to keep things as cheery as possible for me.

But I was really sad over the weekend.

It happens every year and I cry a bit as well because the one person that I long to hear call and say happy birthday would obviously not be calling. My real boy Billy, who passed away in 2002, would always be the first to call and say "happy birthday pop". I have let him go and completed the grief process years ago but I still miss hearing him- wishes from friends are always nice and appreciated but he was one of a handful that I knew really loved me as I was.

The events yesterday were just the icing on the proverbial birthday cake.

So it is done with- the non-birthday is over. I usually have nice birthdays...if my partner is working I usually go see my straight friends at Petco Park and get my birthday baseball from one of the San Diego Padres players...of course for the first time in years the Padres were off and were not playing a game at home yesterday.

This year I had hoped to have a gayer birthday- I like my straight baseball buddies at the park but for a change I wanted a birthday where I could just be myself and not the straight acting baseball fan.

But again the universe did not cooperate this year- in fact it slapped me in the ass and reminded me not to ever have hopes and expectations for things to work out wonderfully. Every time I dare to dream or hope stuff never works out the way I pray it would be.

It just never works that way for me-especially when it is birthdays and if it involves celebrating with gay folk as opposed to straight acquaintances at the ballpark.

Maybe if I was one of those men, around my age, that could afford the gym and have that 21-year-old body with the obviously aging head and had lots of money I would be mega popular and would have had gay people breaking their ass to come party for my birthday.

That is not a dig at anyone who can afford to do that, but I do have eyes and see how I am treated differently from guys my age and in their 30's that can either afford to buy the gym body, are naturally thin or are so fucking rich that any exterior flaws are ignored.

I have seen people around my same age that have tons of money and are more fit talking about how wonderful their birthdays were- filled with partying, lots of gay folk of all ages coming round and sex.

But for us average people that may not be the most stunning or like me who physically cannot do a gym because of lack of funds and another medical condition (I have had chronic fatique since I was in my 20's so my muscles normally ache constantly as it is; I have tried the gym before and it put me down for a week) we end up getting what we are allowed to have.

Believe me there are several cosmetic things I would love to fix but unless you have thousands of dollars to pay for it you are stuck with how you are. Sadly genetics gave me the genes of my mother while my sister got the perpetually thin genes from my father.

Silly me, I know this...I know that I am flawed in many ways and it is just something you resign yourself to as you get older because this is how the gay world is, at least here in San Diego and the United States. You have heard the phrase, "it's not what is on the outside, it is what is on the inside that counts". Nice sentiment but if we get real about us gay folk we all know that is bullshit.

The hot twink will get 50 times more birthday wishes than the overweight and marginally attracted twink- again just look at friends lists on the various sites like Facebook and watch to see their walls when it is their birthdays...it shows that we, as gay people for the most part, value what is on the outside rather within and I think that is sad because it keeps us from really knowing what it is like for someone to really love us as we are.

Sorry to digress but that has always been an issue to me- how young gays especially, that are no totally fit or less than stunning, are pushed to the wayside while those who either naturally are perfect get all the attention and accolades. For me that is limiting- if I care about someone it doesn't matter if they are fit as a fiddle or looking like the Pillsbury Dough Boy...if someone is honest, open and is a good soul that is really all that matters..at least for me.

Back to the birthday- I didn't really want sex for my birthday- my partner and I are monogamous. I just wanted to feel like I was spending the day with people that really cared about me and just were not saying happy birthday because a Facebook or MySpace said that they had to.

Despite the monkey wrenches this year two people made an effort and for that I will always be grateful.

Perhaps next year I should just cancel the birthday all together or maybe hurt my back then at least I can be the one comfortably numb on Vicodins and Valium so what ever happens in the day would just be a blur!

Finally thanks to everyone that left birthday messages, texts and emails...although I whined a bit in this post everyone's efforts were sincerely appreciated.

YOU GO BETTY!

I just want to say that I love Betty White...



88 years old and still doing stuff...I guess that is how you stay alive and she was funny on SNL last Saturday

Here it is if you missed it: