A HEART RIPPED APART

I forgot to add in to last night's post that I will start writing the story in June...this morning I had to come post here first because I read something this morning on Twitter that has totally enraged me. Someone that I had the pleasure of meeting a couple of months back, who is a genuinely nice young man has had his heart and his mind fucked with by a poser.

Someone using the name "PrinceJonathon" was using another person's pics and was getting into the heads and hearts of a lot of people on Twitter.

There is nothing that pisses me off more than some scumbag using someone else's pics to pretend they are a hot twink or whatever. To ease their pitiful life they create a whole new identity just to make inroads with either mainstream or adult performers and others that seem to have a lot of popularity.

This PrinceJonathan, whoever the hell he is, needs to be strung up by his balls because it is bad enough lying and pretending you are someone you are not but then when you start having intimate phone convos and lead one of these guys on it is inexcusable in my opinion. These guys may be all about sex on film but they have feelings and hurt like every other human being. I just do not know how someone could do this to one of these guys.

While this latest bit of internet drama is sad it does illustrate some of what I have been talking about on this blog and in private conversations with friends at home.

First of all it never ceases to amaze me how the twinks will warm right up to a picture. If the person looks like the guy in the random pic on the left that I found he makes immediate inroads.

If the person has a Twitter pic like the pic of the older bear later in this post, below in this post, they either will be ignored or kept at a distance. I am not just assuming this- I know from personal experience watching this dynamic since I use the real pictures of myself and make sure that if I use a banner pic- like on MySpace, I make it clear to people that the twink is not me.

Unless the older person is someone important or is one of the people I mentioned the other day that use their wealth to buy the favors of these guys either with gifts or chemicals they really don't get much attention at all.

But someone that looks like a hottie, that posts a random pic like this is immediate deemed credible and beyond suspicion just because of age and looks.

Sadly that is just how it is, but it is dangerous to assume just because someone has a hot pic that they say are them to make them an immediate friend and confidant. I just cannot stand these fucking posers- that is why when I started Borderboys I decided to use my real pictures.

If you have been following along on this blog you know that lately I really hate how I look to begin with but despite my flaws I had to be honest- especially when I deal with a lot of these adult performer twinks who have had young lives filled with lots of hurt, pain, and disappointment by people that they trusted to care for them in their early lives.

According to what I read this morning this poser did one of the worst things one human being can do to another- rip their heart out.

I talked about the word love earlier in the week and there is another word that people really do not understand- intimacy.

Intimacy is pretty much, at the bare bones level, open and honest communication between two human beings.

When someone calls you frequently, when they sound and act as if you matter in their lives, when they choose to tell you their deepest and darkest secrets, when they say or text the words "I love you" in any form people like me and the young man who was hurt really believe it.

So the natural response is to open up your and start to feel what you are led on to believe the other person is feeling. I can completely understand how this poor soul must feel now. Especially if he is like me- I am usually very closed off when it comes to letting people in.

I have been through the ringer a number of times in my life with people, especially acting as if they care, convincing me that it was safe to feel the love you feel for a friend that is almost like family and then have them drop you like a ball- leaving you holding your heart in your hand when they were done with getting out of me whatever it was they sought.

The worst cases were when they would turn it around on the other person they led on and even though they convince the other they truly care and encouraged them to care they make it seem as if the other some insane person that had no right to feel despite what they were led to believe. I can't tell you how many times I have heard the lament of people that have been through that.

The one that gets left holding the heart in the hand usually starts getting down on themselves but the reality is that the person who said they loved them then shuts off for no logical reason is that they just couldn't handle it themselves so it was easier to make a quick escape.

I have been through that as well. As a result, since the last time- almost two years ago, I have let only two people into my heart besides my partner of eight years. I guess it's safer to stay detached- I can't get hurt that way like the young man did by this poser if I stay closed off.

Again I can really understand how this guy feels inside. You open your closed heart, you really believe what you are hearing from the other person and then to find out that they were either an outright liar or bail out when they come to realize that their words are just not words but they really feel something to it hurts deeply.

There is just no way to rationalize it- it happens all the time especially with men my age and younger twinks.

Part of them likes having the older, paternal type person around and the love and acceptance. But when that real intimacy I mentioned above occurs, when they are not just saying I love you but mean it in their heart for some it is unnerving. There is just no way to explain to friends that you give a damn about some old bastard especially if you are expected to be with a certain type man. Young and old confuse that word love and the word intimacy with sexual attraction. There is a big difference but many fail to see it.

They feel yet it scares them because, if they are like me, they wonder...if they let themselves feel will the bottom drop out and will I be hurt in the end. For some it is better to shut off when it is convenient to spare themselves from the eventual hurt or the embarrassment of having to justify who they love and why to people that are judgmental.

How do I know this?

This is me- my biggest fear is if I allow myself to care that the emotions will be either misunderstood or I will be left standing wondering why what I was lead on to believe suddenly changed up and is no more.

So scenarios like that are bad enough. I imagine being led on by a poser like this guy was is even worse. My heart goes out to him it really does because again I know exactly how he is feeling now because I have felt the same in the past.

So the situation on Twitter seems to have caused heartache more than anything else but what if this guy was one of the sickos out there?

I was talking with my fellow blogger Dewayne In San Diego last night about this very subject.

How certain current industry twinks are using things like FormSpring- the question and answer thing...and revealing too much about their personal lives, their schools and other things that nutcases can use to stalk or worse.

If there is one thing I have learned in a year and a half of doing Borderboys and especially in the past week is that it is so important that these guys keep their performer persona and personal life persona separate.

I made one of the dumbest mistakes so far last week when I posted something myself. Logically I was thinking that since I announced one thing on the Borderboys blog I had to explain why it was not going to happen for my readers.

I posted something that seemed benign at the time but the fact of the matter was that it was not up to me to disclose details- it was up to the other person. Again my logic was to simply tell the truth about what is going on since I try to be as honest as I can on the other blog and this one.

But until this last night and this morning I really didn't have an understanding, at least from the performers point of view, of how disclosing something that is seemingly vague and common can be used by people like this poser to either overstep bounds or worse with these performers.

I really thought I was just being honest with my readers but I have learned that sometimes, unless the person him or herself puts it out there, it is no ones business.

Having done that I betrayed a trust- however unintentional and I never want that to happen again.

You just never know what sick bastards will do with even the most innocuous information. One example is some of the mail or twits I get when I mention I am seeing one of the twink performers.

I get things like, "hope you are having fun eating his ass out" and shit like that. They take a simple meet up and dirty it up. What people do not understand is that most of these guys are completely different people than they appear to be on screen. Felix Russo is a great example. On screen he is the horny little bottom boy but in real life he is in a monogamous relationship and does not cheat on his boyfriend.

I saw Roxy Red the other day and got someone that should have known better mailing asking if "I fucked him". We had coffee at Starbucks and went to a couple of shops in Hillcrest...that's it. Yet people with vivid imaginations, if allowed, would take that simple meet up and twist it into something it was not.

So boy have my eyes been opened about what to disclose and what not to- while I like being honest on the blog there are some things that you all just do not need to know about my personal life and that of various performers unless they put it out.

And I caution a lot of the new performers to be really careful about what you disclose online. Not every person is sane or like me. Generally when I say I love you to someone other than my partner, especially if it a young person, it is more paternal than anything...but there are many that will fall in love with the idea of you and may want to make the fantasy- including sex a reality whether you like it or not.
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So guys please be careful...I know I plan to in the future...I will be guarding the personal info about the performers I talk to even more closely because I do not want to be responsible for writing something the person did not print himself and someone using that to either stalk or worse.