THE NON-BIRTHDAY

It was supposed to be a really festive birthday spent with my partner and extended family (at least people I consider as such) but as usual my wishes usually get blown away before the birthday candle is lit.

The birthday weekend started off really good but then something unforeseen threw a monkey wrench into it.

Fast forward to Sunday and my partner wakes up walking like a 90-year-old man. Of course the back problem he had flared up and after trying to cope with it Sunday he was in even worse pain yesterday.

I woke up yesterday cursing the universe because I actually woke up for the birthday. But I did...the birthday party consisted of a can of Friskies Ocean Whitefish catfood for my kitty Nicky and my partner writhing in pain on the bed.

No birthday cake with candles- by Monday morning I was afraid that if I lit any candles there would be a low gas leak somewhere in the house and with my luck it would blow up the house.

Once my partner woke up again we finally got ready to head to Hillcrest and one of the local hospitals.

Once there we found the ER packed with people- most with non-urgent needs but with no primary care doctor. I tried sitting in the waiting room for a while but got the hell out of there after some guy hacking and coughing started puking. Before someone thought to get him a bucket he let a stream of vomit fly and it landed inches away from where my feet were on the floor.

Having worked in medicine I went and told the nursing staff that they needed to get the guy the hell out of the waiting room- or at least put a damn mask on him. The poor guy was really sick and when you feel like that you don't think about covering your mouth. Once they saw how bad he was they complied and happily rectified the situation to the relief of everyone in the waiting room.

After two and a half hours we were led to the "Urgent Care" where we sat for another hour plus waiting for an exam room to open.

Finally we were in the back- it was nearly 7pm by that time and our nurse was almost the reincarnation of Bea Arthur from the Golden Girls...I called her sir before I realized her name was Joselyn...talk about being embarrassed to the max! But in scrubs people can look androgynous.

Meanwhile back in the exam room there is absolutely no cell signal so if anyone tried to call me for my birthday they probably couldn't get through to me.

Finally the doctor appeared and examined my partner.

The nurse brought in a bucket of pain meds for him- two Vicodins, two Ibuprofens and one Valium. So in a while he was pain free and playing the song "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd would have been appropriate.

We had to wait for the ever backed up and slow Radiology Dept. to come collect him for a back X-Ray...finally they came. He was in la la land- stoned for sure (it was my birthday and by that time I had planned on being the one buzzed but of course I was completely sober).

The doctor said the X-Ray looked negative- as you know negative in medicine is a good thing.

But we had to wait for the official reading from the Radiologist- who was apparently tied up or just ignoring the calls and the three pages the doctor made. After another hour the Radiologist gave his report and it was discharge time. We got the discharge papers and the scripts and finally left the hospital.

When I was finally back at home I immediately looked at the clock when we got in. I swear on my father's grave it was exactly 12 midnight- May 24th had ended and so did the official birthday.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't blame anyone for turning a potentially happy weekend and birthday into one of the most bizarre and non-festive birthdays I have ever had.

Life on life's terms happens and like I wrote on the post on Borderboys yesterday when I refereed to what the birthday card my mother sent said when you really love and care about someone- be it a close friend, family of choice, a partner or an actual family member the way you prove that is by casting your needs aside...I said, "It is probably one of the hardest things I have had to learn in my life- putting my needs, wants or rigidity to the side to make sure when I say the word love to someone- whether its romantic or just friendship- I put actions into the words that come out of my mouth."

So again no one is to blame for how crappy the last few days have been. There is no way to control what people do or surprise events like a sudden back attack or other life events that unintentionally screw up the best laid plans. So to be angry at anyone for how things turned out would be ridiculous.

It's just how life is...well at least my life is. Still I tried to keep on a happy face for my partner who despite his pain kept trying to keep things as cheery as possible for me.

But I was really sad over the weekend.

It happens every year and I cry a bit as well because the one person that I long to hear call and say happy birthday would obviously not be calling. My real boy Billy, who passed away in 2002, would always be the first to call and say "happy birthday pop". I have let him go and completed the grief process years ago but I still miss hearing him- wishes from friends are always nice and appreciated but he was one of a handful that I knew really loved me as I was.

The events yesterday were just the icing on the proverbial birthday cake.

So it is done with- the non-birthday is over. I usually have nice birthdays...if my partner is working I usually go see my straight friends at Petco Park and get my birthday baseball from one of the San Diego Padres players...of course for the first time in years the Padres were off and were not playing a game at home yesterday.

This year I had hoped to have a gayer birthday- I like my straight baseball buddies at the park but for a change I wanted a birthday where I could just be myself and not the straight acting baseball fan.

But again the universe did not cooperate this year- in fact it slapped me in the ass and reminded me not to ever have hopes and expectations for things to work out wonderfully. Every time I dare to dream or hope stuff never works out the way I pray it would be.

It just never works that way for me-especially when it is birthdays and if it involves celebrating with gay folk as opposed to straight acquaintances at the ballpark.

Maybe if I was one of those men, around my age, that could afford the gym and have that 21-year-old body with the obviously aging head and had lots of money I would be mega popular and would have had gay people breaking their ass to come party for my birthday.

That is not a dig at anyone who can afford to do that, but I do have eyes and see how I am treated differently from guys my age and in their 30's that can either afford to buy the gym body, are naturally thin or are so fucking rich that any exterior flaws are ignored.

I have seen people around my same age that have tons of money and are more fit talking about how wonderful their birthdays were- filled with partying, lots of gay folk of all ages coming round and sex.

But for us average people that may not be the most stunning or like me who physically cannot do a gym because of lack of funds and another medical condition (I have had chronic fatique since I was in my 20's so my muscles normally ache constantly as it is; I have tried the gym before and it put me down for a week) we end up getting what we are allowed to have.

Believe me there are several cosmetic things I would love to fix but unless you have thousands of dollars to pay for it you are stuck with how you are. Sadly genetics gave me the genes of my mother while my sister got the perpetually thin genes from my father.

Silly me, I know this...I know that I am flawed in many ways and it is just something you resign yourself to as you get older because this is how the gay world is, at least here in San Diego and the United States. You have heard the phrase, "it's not what is on the outside, it is what is on the inside that counts". Nice sentiment but if we get real about us gay folk we all know that is bullshit.

The hot twink will get 50 times more birthday wishes than the overweight and marginally attracted twink- again just look at friends lists on the various sites like Facebook and watch to see their walls when it is their birthdays...it shows that we, as gay people for the most part, value what is on the outside rather within and I think that is sad because it keeps us from really knowing what it is like for someone to really love us as we are.

Sorry to digress but that has always been an issue to me- how young gays especially, that are no totally fit or less than stunning, are pushed to the wayside while those who either naturally are perfect get all the attention and accolades. For me that is limiting- if I care about someone it doesn't matter if they are fit as a fiddle or looking like the Pillsbury Dough Boy...if someone is honest, open and is a good soul that is really all that matters..at least for me.

Back to the birthday- I didn't really want sex for my birthday- my partner and I are monogamous. I just wanted to feel like I was spending the day with people that really cared about me and just were not saying happy birthday because a Facebook or MySpace said that they had to.

Despite the monkey wrenches this year two people made an effort and for that I will always be grateful.

Perhaps next year I should just cancel the birthday all together or maybe hurt my back then at least I can be the one comfortably numb on Vicodins and Valium so what ever happens in the day would just be a blur!

Finally thanks to everyone that left birthday messages, texts and emails...although I whined a bit in this post everyone's efforts were sincerely appreciated.