YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY

(A little background before we start- as well as working in medicine in my past I also worked with recovering addicts and part of that training involved the study of psychology. So I have studied what I am about top write. It is both from what I learned in books and classes and from my own personal experiences as a youth and as an older adult)

I want to continue today talking about the subjects I have been on all week...today I want to take a closer look at fear of intimacy.

Do you remember the first close relationship that you had with your best friend when you were a kid? Just opposite to this 'close relationship' is what is termed as the 'Fear of Intimacy' in Psychology. In any relationship, it is very essential to get rid of this fear. However, to get rid of it, it is first necessary to identify it before it spoils your close relationships- whether it is with a lover, a close friend or even family. Fear of intimacy is a grown-up problem and is never an issue in childhood friendships when you share all your secrets with your best friend.

Fear of intimacy entails lack of enthusiasm and an unwillingness to open up and let slip your true self to another human being, possibly because of a hurting experience in a past relationship.

The determination to avoid getting hurt again most often leads to the fear of intimacy.

I see this in older adults as well as young- especially in the twinks that do gay porn. Most that I have talked to never really had a great home life, in fact most report that there wasn't much love and acceptance at home at all.

After they start becoming "famous" with their clothes off everyone wants a piece of them. Some have tried forming close friendships or even lover relationships but most times they find out that the person that claimed to care had his own motivations- and when they get what they set out to get they usually disappear.

This is why so many people, and again especially people who work in the industry, have this fear of initmacy. They have been hurt and disappointed so many times- by family, so-called friends and men who claim they love them until the next twink comes along. Believe me I hear a lot of stuff from the twinks and the stories are heartbreaking at times.

So the natural defense is to push away when things start to get to0 close. No matter how sincere and real the other person is the voice in the head keeps telling them that despite the clear evidence and the actions, that proved they are trustworthy and loyal, the other person is probably just like the rest that eventually hurt and disappointed them in their past.

So the fear is a conditioning of sorts and a defense mechanism.

Such a fear is also found in people who never got an opportunity to learn how to be open to friends and lovers as they were brought up in an emotionally and socially closed environment. In other words, fear of intimacy is more or less similar to the fear of commitment.

While I am no expert on love I do know what real love means. For me there are two kinds. Romantic love and paternal love. Romantic for me sits exclusively with my partner. Paternal love for me is caring about another person without expecting things in return- just being a constant and reliable person that listens more than anything else.

Again while I am usually the one that gets pushed away there was a time when I was the one that pushed away others myself. I had been so hurt and mind fucked as a teen. When I became an adult- back when I was thin, pretty built and attractive I was one of those people that were too naive to know when I was being played and right when the bastards got my heart they would drop me. Eventually I became cold and if someone got too close- or appeared to be I was find some little reason to blow things out of proportion and push them away before...in my thinking...like everyone else they would hurt me in the end.

That spared me from hurt- I was the dumper not the dumpee...but for a few that I now realize really did care I totally mind-fucked them. I had the chance 20 years later to talk to one I did that to and he told me that he just didn't understand why I let him in and then suddenly shut off everything. He said that he was left feeling like he was being punished for caring; that in my silence sent the message that all the effort he made was for not.

And that is why fear of intimacy is such a bad thing- not only for the person who fears but also the person that gets cut off.

It is bad for the person with the phobia because as I mentioned the other day, they as did I, will eventually run into situations where they need the people that have truly cared. But after pushing them all away most, again as did I, find that the ones we thought cared disappeared and the ones who did that I disappeared on were non-existent as well because they couldn't deal with my ripping their heart out again.

The psychological impact on the person being pushed aside is great too. Self-blame is common and they wonder what the hell they did wrong. They, in turn, sometimes develop the same fear of intimacy as well because the person who fears never pushes away people they do not have feelings for. It is the ones that they actually do love and care about that gets pushed away because it is a scary situation. Especially if they love is for someone that is not within the person's usual or expected preference.

So yes I was both intimacy phobic in my past and as I get older have become the victim at times of the fear of others. What I never understood and what these people that suffer with this fear do not understand is that when you let someone in, when you encourage open, honest communication- especially about feelings. When you respond back and allow yourself to say you care as well most people will embrace that and allow themselves to feel.

The person on the other side, the one who gets shut off, are left with real feelings...not one sided and fantasy but real feelings that were usually encourage by the intimacy phobic and they have no choice but to either ignore them or let the hurt they feel themselves drive them mad. Love, caring and compassion for another, when it is welcomed one day and refused the next, cannot be shut off like a water faucet.

But for people that fear intimacy, despite the guilt feelings they have (they always have guilt because they know they hurt someone that meant no harm deep in their heart) they turn a blind eye because in their mind it is safer to hurt...however unintentional...then to be eventually hurt and left wondering what the person they just pushed away is feeling.

It really is a no win situation for both people and the best way to deal with it is to face the fear head on and be brave enough to talk about the fear. Silence always leads to misunderstandings and assumptions and I have learned that talking not avoiding is the best way to clear the air and to be the friend I claim to be with various people.

Think this may be you or you were affected by someone with this fear?

The following are some signs and symptoms that will help you identify the fear of intimacy, if present, and take steps to get rid of it as soon as possible:

1) Premeditated or intentional withholding of personal information: The person makes a deliberate attempt to hide his/her feelings, personal details, and secrets from his/her partner.

2) Tendency to protect one-self from getting into personal discussions of sharing and caring: The person will try to withdraw when his/her partner talks about his/her thoughts and feelings.

3) Being over-critical of oneself or others: The person having a fear of intimacy either lacks self-confidence, owing to which he underestimates himself, or possesses a negative attitude, owing to which he fails to appreciate any good quality in his partner or friends.

4) Feelings of resentment and embarrassment: Feeling shy or irritated when others talk about their personal thoughts, experiences, or feelings also strongly indicates a fear of intimacy.

5) Lack of affection: People having fear of intimacy often show less or no affection towards their loved ones and pretend to be 'over-practical' in life.

However, one important thing to bear in mind is that there is a big difference between a person having fear of intimacy and a person who is just less demonstrative about his/her feelings. To conclude, if you really wish to develop trust and openness in your relationships, identify this fear of intimacy and try to get rid of it.

But I can tell you from my own past that staying silent and pushing away things never works for either person. This world is so cold these days- people seem to just take what they want with disregard for others so when you find someone that really cares embrace that...don't apologize to anyone that wants to judge...because as I have seen in my lifetime people that truly give a damn are few and far between and it sucks when your chips are down and need that love and compassion the most when no one is there because you pushed them away for the last time they will tolerate.

Perhaps one of the best songs written about fear of intimacy is by Peter Gabriel...I will leave you with his song "That Voice Again" today: