YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY

(A little background before we start- as well as working in medicine in my past I also worked with recovering addicts and part of that training involved the study of psychology. So I have studied what I am about top write. It is both from what I learned in books and classes and from my own personal experiences as a youth and as an older adult)

I want to continue today talking about the subjects I have been on all week...today I want to take a closer look at fear of intimacy.

Do you remember the first close relationship that you had with your best friend when you were a kid? Just opposite to this 'close relationship' is what is termed as the 'Fear of Intimacy' in Psychology. In any relationship, it is very essential to get rid of this fear. However, to get rid of it, it is first necessary to identify it before it spoils your close relationships- whether it is with a lover, a close friend or even family. Fear of intimacy is a grown-up problem and is never an issue in childhood friendships when you share all your secrets with your best friend.

Fear of intimacy entails lack of enthusiasm and an unwillingness to open up and let slip your true self to another human being, possibly because of a hurting experience in a past relationship.

The determination to avoid getting hurt again most often leads to the fear of intimacy.

I see this in older adults as well as young- especially in the twinks that do gay porn. Most that I have talked to never really had a great home life, in fact most report that there wasn't much love and acceptance at home at all.

After they start becoming "famous" with their clothes off everyone wants a piece of them. Some have tried forming close friendships or even lover relationships but most times they find out that the person that claimed to care had his own motivations- and when they get what they set out to get they usually disappear.

This is why so many people, and again especially people who work in the industry, have this fear of initmacy. They have been hurt and disappointed so many times- by family, so-called friends and men who claim they love them until the next twink comes along. Believe me I hear a lot of stuff from the twinks and the stories are heartbreaking at times.

So the natural defense is to push away when things start to get to0 close. No matter how sincere and real the other person is the voice in the head keeps telling them that despite the clear evidence and the actions, that proved they are trustworthy and loyal, the other person is probably just like the rest that eventually hurt and disappointed them in their past.

So the fear is a conditioning of sorts and a defense mechanism.

Such a fear is also found in people who never got an opportunity to learn how to be open to friends and lovers as they were brought up in an emotionally and socially closed environment. In other words, fear of intimacy is more or less similar to the fear of commitment.

While I am no expert on love I do know what real love means. For me there are two kinds. Romantic love and paternal love. Romantic for me sits exclusively with my partner. Paternal love for me is caring about another person without expecting things in return- just being a constant and reliable person that listens more than anything else.

Again while I am usually the one that gets pushed away there was a time when I was the one that pushed away others myself. I had been so hurt and mind fucked as a teen. When I became an adult- back when I was thin, pretty built and attractive I was one of those people that were too naive to know when I was being played and right when the bastards got my heart they would drop me. Eventually I became cold and if someone got too close- or appeared to be I was find some little reason to blow things out of proportion and push them away before...in my thinking...like everyone else they would hurt me in the end.

That spared me from hurt- I was the dumper not the dumpee...but for a few that I now realize really did care I totally mind-fucked them. I had the chance 20 years later to talk to one I did that to and he told me that he just didn't understand why I let him in and then suddenly shut off everything. He said that he was left feeling like he was being punished for caring; that in my silence sent the message that all the effort he made was for not.

And that is why fear of intimacy is such a bad thing- not only for the person who fears but also the person that gets cut off.

It is bad for the person with the phobia because as I mentioned the other day, they as did I, will eventually run into situations where they need the people that have truly cared. But after pushing them all away most, again as did I, find that the ones we thought cared disappeared and the ones who did that I disappeared on were non-existent as well because they couldn't deal with my ripping their heart out again.

The psychological impact on the person being pushed aside is great too. Self-blame is common and they wonder what the hell they did wrong. They, in turn, sometimes develop the same fear of intimacy as well because the person who fears never pushes away people they do not have feelings for. It is the ones that they actually do love and care about that gets pushed away because it is a scary situation. Especially if they love is for someone that is not within the person's usual or expected preference.

So yes I was both intimacy phobic in my past and as I get older have become the victim at times of the fear of others. What I never understood and what these people that suffer with this fear do not understand is that when you let someone in, when you encourage open, honest communication- especially about feelings. When you respond back and allow yourself to say you care as well most people will embrace that and allow themselves to feel.

The person on the other side, the one who gets shut off, are left with real feelings...not one sided and fantasy but real feelings that were usually encourage by the intimacy phobic and they have no choice but to either ignore them or let the hurt they feel themselves drive them mad. Love, caring and compassion for another, when it is welcomed one day and refused the next, cannot be shut off like a water faucet.

But for people that fear intimacy, despite the guilt feelings they have (they always have guilt because they know they hurt someone that meant no harm deep in their heart) they turn a blind eye because in their mind it is safer to hurt...however unintentional...then to be eventually hurt and left wondering what the person they just pushed away is feeling.

It really is a no win situation for both people and the best way to deal with it is to face the fear head on and be brave enough to talk about the fear. Silence always leads to misunderstandings and assumptions and I have learned that talking not avoiding is the best way to clear the air and to be the friend I claim to be with various people.

Think this may be you or you were affected by someone with this fear?

The following are some signs and symptoms that will help you identify the fear of intimacy, if present, and take steps to get rid of it as soon as possible:

1) Premeditated or intentional withholding of personal information: The person makes a deliberate attempt to hide his/her feelings, personal details, and secrets from his/her partner.

2) Tendency to protect one-self from getting into personal discussions of sharing and caring: The person will try to withdraw when his/her partner talks about his/her thoughts and feelings.

3) Being over-critical of oneself or others: The person having a fear of intimacy either lacks self-confidence, owing to which he underestimates himself, or possesses a negative attitude, owing to which he fails to appreciate any good quality in his partner or friends.

4) Feelings of resentment and embarrassment: Feeling shy or irritated when others talk about their personal thoughts, experiences, or feelings also strongly indicates a fear of intimacy.

5) Lack of affection: People having fear of intimacy often show less or no affection towards their loved ones and pretend to be 'over-practical' in life.

However, one important thing to bear in mind is that there is a big difference between a person having fear of intimacy and a person who is just less demonstrative about his/her feelings. To conclude, if you really wish to develop trust and openness in your relationships, identify this fear of intimacy and try to get rid of it.

But I can tell you from my own past that staying silent and pushing away things never works for either person. This world is so cold these days- people seem to just take what they want with disregard for others so when you find someone that really cares embrace that...don't apologize to anyone that wants to judge...because as I have seen in my lifetime people that truly give a damn are few and far between and it sucks when your chips are down and need that love and compassion the most when no one is there because you pushed them away for the last time they will tolerate.

Perhaps one of the best songs written about fear of intimacy is by Peter Gabriel...I will leave you with his song "That Voice Again" today:

A HEART RIPPED APART

I forgot to add in to last night's post that I will start writing the story in June...this morning I had to come post here first because I read something this morning on Twitter that has totally enraged me. Someone that I had the pleasure of meeting a couple of months back, who is a genuinely nice young man has had his heart and his mind fucked with by a poser.

Someone using the name "PrinceJonathon" was using another person's pics and was getting into the heads and hearts of a lot of people on Twitter.

There is nothing that pisses me off more than some scumbag using someone else's pics to pretend they are a hot twink or whatever. To ease their pitiful life they create a whole new identity just to make inroads with either mainstream or adult performers and others that seem to have a lot of popularity.

This PrinceJonathan, whoever the hell he is, needs to be strung up by his balls because it is bad enough lying and pretending you are someone you are not but then when you start having intimate phone convos and lead one of these guys on it is inexcusable in my opinion. These guys may be all about sex on film but they have feelings and hurt like every other human being. I just do not know how someone could do this to one of these guys.

While this latest bit of internet drama is sad it does illustrate some of what I have been talking about on this blog and in private conversations with friends at home.

First of all it never ceases to amaze me how the twinks will warm right up to a picture. If the person looks like the guy in the random pic on the left that I found he makes immediate inroads.

If the person has a Twitter pic like the pic of the older bear later in this post, below in this post, they either will be ignored or kept at a distance. I am not just assuming this- I know from personal experience watching this dynamic since I use the real pictures of myself and make sure that if I use a banner pic- like on MySpace, I make it clear to people that the twink is not me.

Unless the older person is someone important or is one of the people I mentioned the other day that use their wealth to buy the favors of these guys either with gifts or chemicals they really don't get much attention at all.

But someone that looks like a hottie, that posts a random pic like this is immediate deemed credible and beyond suspicion just because of age and looks.

Sadly that is just how it is, but it is dangerous to assume just because someone has a hot pic that they say are them to make them an immediate friend and confidant. I just cannot stand these fucking posers- that is why when I started Borderboys I decided to use my real pictures.

If you have been following along on this blog you know that lately I really hate how I look to begin with but despite my flaws I had to be honest- especially when I deal with a lot of these adult performer twinks who have had young lives filled with lots of hurt, pain, and disappointment by people that they trusted to care for them in their early lives.

According to what I read this morning this poser did one of the worst things one human being can do to another- rip their heart out.

I talked about the word love earlier in the week and there is another word that people really do not understand- intimacy.

Intimacy is pretty much, at the bare bones level, open and honest communication between two human beings.

When someone calls you frequently, when they sound and act as if you matter in their lives, when they choose to tell you their deepest and darkest secrets, when they say or text the words "I love you" in any form people like me and the young man who was hurt really believe it.

So the natural response is to open up your and start to feel what you are led on to believe the other person is feeling. I can completely understand how this poor soul must feel now. Especially if he is like me- I am usually very closed off when it comes to letting people in.

I have been through the ringer a number of times in my life with people, especially acting as if they care, convincing me that it was safe to feel the love you feel for a friend that is almost like family and then have them drop you like a ball- leaving you holding your heart in your hand when they were done with getting out of me whatever it was they sought.

The worst cases were when they would turn it around on the other person they led on and even though they convince the other they truly care and encouraged them to care they make it seem as if the other some insane person that had no right to feel despite what they were led to believe. I can't tell you how many times I have heard the lament of people that have been through that.

The one that gets left holding the heart in the hand usually starts getting down on themselves but the reality is that the person who said they loved them then shuts off for no logical reason is that they just couldn't handle it themselves so it was easier to make a quick escape.

I have been through that as well. As a result, since the last time- almost two years ago, I have let only two people into my heart besides my partner of eight years. I guess it's safer to stay detached- I can't get hurt that way like the young man did by this poser if I stay closed off.

Again I can really understand how this guy feels inside. You open your closed heart, you really believe what you are hearing from the other person and then to find out that they were either an outright liar or bail out when they come to realize that their words are just not words but they really feel something to it hurts deeply.

There is just no way to rationalize it- it happens all the time especially with men my age and younger twinks.

Part of them likes having the older, paternal type person around and the love and acceptance. But when that real intimacy I mentioned above occurs, when they are not just saying I love you but mean it in their heart for some it is unnerving. There is just no way to explain to friends that you give a damn about some old bastard especially if you are expected to be with a certain type man. Young and old confuse that word love and the word intimacy with sexual attraction. There is a big difference but many fail to see it.

They feel yet it scares them because, if they are like me, they wonder...if they let themselves feel will the bottom drop out and will I be hurt in the end. For some it is better to shut off when it is convenient to spare themselves from the eventual hurt or the embarrassment of having to justify who they love and why to people that are judgmental.

How do I know this?

This is me- my biggest fear is if I allow myself to care that the emotions will be either misunderstood or I will be left standing wondering why what I was lead on to believe suddenly changed up and is no more.

So scenarios like that are bad enough. I imagine being led on by a poser like this guy was is even worse. My heart goes out to him it really does because again I know exactly how he is feeling now because I have felt the same in the past.

So the situation on Twitter seems to have caused heartache more than anything else but what if this guy was one of the sickos out there?

I was talking with my fellow blogger Dewayne In San Diego last night about this very subject.

How certain current industry twinks are using things like FormSpring- the question and answer thing...and revealing too much about their personal lives, their schools and other things that nutcases can use to stalk or worse.

If there is one thing I have learned in a year and a half of doing Borderboys and especially in the past week is that it is so important that these guys keep their performer persona and personal life persona separate.

I made one of the dumbest mistakes so far last week when I posted something myself. Logically I was thinking that since I announced one thing on the Borderboys blog I had to explain why it was not going to happen for my readers.

I posted something that seemed benign at the time but the fact of the matter was that it was not up to me to disclose details- it was up to the other person. Again my logic was to simply tell the truth about what is going on since I try to be as honest as I can on the other blog and this one.

But until this last night and this morning I really didn't have an understanding, at least from the performers point of view, of how disclosing something that is seemingly vague and common can be used by people like this poser to either overstep bounds or worse with these performers.

I really thought I was just being honest with my readers but I have learned that sometimes, unless the person him or herself puts it out there, it is no ones business.

Having done that I betrayed a trust- however unintentional and I never want that to happen again.

You just never know what sick bastards will do with even the most innocuous information. One example is some of the mail or twits I get when I mention I am seeing one of the twink performers.

I get things like, "hope you are having fun eating his ass out" and shit like that. They take a simple meet up and dirty it up. What people do not understand is that most of these guys are completely different people than they appear to be on screen. Felix Russo is a great example. On screen he is the horny little bottom boy but in real life he is in a monogamous relationship and does not cheat on his boyfriend.

I saw Roxy Red the other day and got someone that should have known better mailing asking if "I fucked him". We had coffee at Starbucks and went to a couple of shops in Hillcrest...that's it. Yet people with vivid imaginations, if allowed, would take that simple meet up and twist it into something it was not.

So boy have my eyes been opened about what to disclose and what not to- while I like being honest on the blog there are some things that you all just do not need to know about my personal life and that of various performers unless they put it out.

And I caution a lot of the new performers to be really careful about what you disclose online. Not every person is sane or like me. Generally when I say I love you to someone other than my partner, especially if it a young person, it is more paternal than anything...but there are many that will fall in love with the idea of you and may want to make the fantasy- including sex a reality whether you like it or not.
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So guys please be careful...I know I plan to in the future...I will be guarding the personal info about the performers I talk to even more closely because I do not want to be responsible for writing something the person did not print himself and someone using that to either stalk or worse.

SOUL FOR RENT

I got a wonderful e-mail the other day from a new reader named Linda and we had a very insightful exchange of emails about my non-birthday post.

I may end up sticking them in to the comments. The crux of the emails thus far was that in general, as I tried to state in the post-birthday post, people generally base everything on the exterior- especially if they are in the industry or even just regular gay guys.

Instead of re-writing what I have already I will ask if I can post her response to me response back to her...that is a hell of a sentence...in another post this week.

Long story short- there is a big double standard and as she pointed out it affects females in the straight community as well as us gay folk.

So what else am I going to write?

Well it's something I should have wrote a long time ago and today I am gonna tell you what it is.


There are two things that I love- writing and music. For a while now I have had two fictional story ideas in my head. One involves the gay porn industry and one involves a throw away kid- that one is based on the real website of a real Australian boy that I found way back in 2000.

But I think I am going to start with the first story first- in the email Linda mentions that she also writes adult fiction and that my mail response has inspired her to write a story of her own.

Her email inspired me to actually start writing the story that I have titled "Soul For Rent" so I can get the idea out of my head.

I don't want to give too much away but I will state for the record that the idea, the stories and the plot are not connected with anyone I deal with that is currently in the industry or retired.

Of course every fiction author uses life experiences in their own work so the lead character may resemble people you know but I really don't have one person in mind- maybe it will be a mixture of a bunch of people I have encountered in my life time but not any person in particular.

The storyline does not really come from any particular person's life. In fact it actually comes from music and one song...that I have posted down below.

The song is by a band called Marillion and the title is "Incubus"

For many years I have loved this song and the story that is told within it.

Incubus defined is, "A nightmare, anything that weighs heavily on the mind. In medieval times it denoted an evil demon who was supposed to have sexual intercourse with women during their sleep."

In the case of the song it refers to a celebrity- someone in the spotlight who feeds off someone that helped get them to the top...and then eventually when it suits them wipes the person from their memory "like a greasepaint mask".

But in the end the person that allowed the other to get all the fame and attention gets the last laugh as the person's star starts to fade.

It is a brilliantly written song and is the primary inspiration for the story I am going to write. In the case of the song it is a heterosexual relationship- in my story it will be gay themed since that is my frame of reference.

The song lives on the album FUGAZI (basically that means fucked up") according to FISH, aka, Derrick Dick the lead singer on this album.

Not only did Incubus inspire the story I have in my head but a number of other songs like Emerald Lies, Assassing, She Chameleon and Fugazi to name a few also gave me the working idea for the story I am going to write.

The song Jigsaw is also a big inspiration for the story and its central plot. The song's meaning is described as such:

"When you watch kids doing jigsaws, they'll always take the eye of the koala bear or whatever and sit on it, just for the dominating factor of putting the last bit in. You get to the point where you lie about the last piece, you deny that you've got it.

The other person is aware that you're lying and they hold back four or five pieces so that you can't put in the last piece. Eventually you tear up the jigsaw and say ' We'll do it another day'. That can grow into relationships - where no matter how important that piece is to the other person or the relationship. In general, the song is about the relationship that splits up and forever comes together again. It gets worse because each time it comes back together, more pieces of the jigsaw have got lost, and you can't get them back."

Their album Childhood's End also contributed to the genesis of the idea now in my head and ready to be written for you.

Why all this explanation beforehand?

Well I know how people like to personalize things- I can see the hate mail now from various past and present performers accusing me about writing about them.

Call this post my disclaimer in advance if you like- and so you have it.

I am not sure where I am going to post it. A reader on the other blog suggested something called Nifty Archive which I need to check out...I will let you know here on this blog when and where the first chapters are posted.

Here is the song INCUBUS...you can right click here if you want to read along with the lyrics.




Here is the song JIGSAW...you can right click here if you want to read along with the lyrics.

THE NON-BIRTHDAY

It was supposed to be a really festive birthday spent with my partner and extended family (at least people I consider as such) but as usual my wishes usually get blown away before the birthday candle is lit.

The birthday weekend started off really good but then something unforeseen threw a monkey wrench into it.

Fast forward to Sunday and my partner wakes up walking like a 90-year-old man. Of course the back problem he had flared up and after trying to cope with it Sunday he was in even worse pain yesterday.

I woke up yesterday cursing the universe because I actually woke up for the birthday. But I did...the birthday party consisted of a can of Friskies Ocean Whitefish catfood for my kitty Nicky and my partner writhing in pain on the bed.

No birthday cake with candles- by Monday morning I was afraid that if I lit any candles there would be a low gas leak somewhere in the house and with my luck it would blow up the house.

Once my partner woke up again we finally got ready to head to Hillcrest and one of the local hospitals.

Once there we found the ER packed with people- most with non-urgent needs but with no primary care doctor. I tried sitting in the waiting room for a while but got the hell out of there after some guy hacking and coughing started puking. Before someone thought to get him a bucket he let a stream of vomit fly and it landed inches away from where my feet were on the floor.

Having worked in medicine I went and told the nursing staff that they needed to get the guy the hell out of the waiting room- or at least put a damn mask on him. The poor guy was really sick and when you feel like that you don't think about covering your mouth. Once they saw how bad he was they complied and happily rectified the situation to the relief of everyone in the waiting room.

After two and a half hours we were led to the "Urgent Care" where we sat for another hour plus waiting for an exam room to open.

Finally we were in the back- it was nearly 7pm by that time and our nurse was almost the reincarnation of Bea Arthur from the Golden Girls...I called her sir before I realized her name was Joselyn...talk about being embarrassed to the max! But in scrubs people can look androgynous.

Meanwhile back in the exam room there is absolutely no cell signal so if anyone tried to call me for my birthday they probably couldn't get through to me.

Finally the doctor appeared and examined my partner.

The nurse brought in a bucket of pain meds for him- two Vicodins, two Ibuprofens and one Valium. So in a while he was pain free and playing the song "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd would have been appropriate.

We had to wait for the ever backed up and slow Radiology Dept. to come collect him for a back X-Ray...finally they came. He was in la la land- stoned for sure (it was my birthday and by that time I had planned on being the one buzzed but of course I was completely sober).

The doctor said the X-Ray looked negative- as you know negative in medicine is a good thing.

But we had to wait for the official reading from the Radiologist- who was apparently tied up or just ignoring the calls and the three pages the doctor made. After another hour the Radiologist gave his report and it was discharge time. We got the discharge papers and the scripts and finally left the hospital.

When I was finally back at home I immediately looked at the clock when we got in. I swear on my father's grave it was exactly 12 midnight- May 24th had ended and so did the official birthday.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't blame anyone for turning a potentially happy weekend and birthday into one of the most bizarre and non-festive birthdays I have ever had.

Life on life's terms happens and like I wrote on the post on Borderboys yesterday when I refereed to what the birthday card my mother sent said when you really love and care about someone- be it a close friend, family of choice, a partner or an actual family member the way you prove that is by casting your needs aside...I said, "It is probably one of the hardest things I have had to learn in my life- putting my needs, wants or rigidity to the side to make sure when I say the word love to someone- whether its romantic or just friendship- I put actions into the words that come out of my mouth."

So again no one is to blame for how crappy the last few days have been. There is no way to control what people do or surprise events like a sudden back attack or other life events that unintentionally screw up the best laid plans. So to be angry at anyone for how things turned out would be ridiculous.

It's just how life is...well at least my life is. Still I tried to keep on a happy face for my partner who despite his pain kept trying to keep things as cheery as possible for me.

But I was really sad over the weekend.

It happens every year and I cry a bit as well because the one person that I long to hear call and say happy birthday would obviously not be calling. My real boy Billy, who passed away in 2002, would always be the first to call and say "happy birthday pop". I have let him go and completed the grief process years ago but I still miss hearing him- wishes from friends are always nice and appreciated but he was one of a handful that I knew really loved me as I was.

The events yesterday were just the icing on the proverbial birthday cake.

So it is done with- the non-birthday is over. I usually have nice birthdays...if my partner is working I usually go see my straight friends at Petco Park and get my birthday baseball from one of the San Diego Padres players...of course for the first time in years the Padres were off and were not playing a game at home yesterday.

This year I had hoped to have a gayer birthday- I like my straight baseball buddies at the park but for a change I wanted a birthday where I could just be myself and not the straight acting baseball fan.

But again the universe did not cooperate this year- in fact it slapped me in the ass and reminded me not to ever have hopes and expectations for things to work out wonderfully. Every time I dare to dream or hope stuff never works out the way I pray it would be.

It just never works that way for me-especially when it is birthdays and if it involves celebrating with gay folk as opposed to straight acquaintances at the ballpark.

Maybe if I was one of those men, around my age, that could afford the gym and have that 21-year-old body with the obviously aging head and had lots of money I would be mega popular and would have had gay people breaking their ass to come party for my birthday.

That is not a dig at anyone who can afford to do that, but I do have eyes and see how I am treated differently from guys my age and in their 30's that can either afford to buy the gym body, are naturally thin or are so fucking rich that any exterior flaws are ignored.

I have seen people around my same age that have tons of money and are more fit talking about how wonderful their birthdays were- filled with partying, lots of gay folk of all ages coming round and sex.

But for us average people that may not be the most stunning or like me who physically cannot do a gym because of lack of funds and another medical condition (I have had chronic fatique since I was in my 20's so my muscles normally ache constantly as it is; I have tried the gym before and it put me down for a week) we end up getting what we are allowed to have.

Believe me there are several cosmetic things I would love to fix but unless you have thousands of dollars to pay for it you are stuck with how you are. Sadly genetics gave me the genes of my mother while my sister got the perpetually thin genes from my father.

Silly me, I know this...I know that I am flawed in many ways and it is just something you resign yourself to as you get older because this is how the gay world is, at least here in San Diego and the United States. You have heard the phrase, "it's not what is on the outside, it is what is on the inside that counts". Nice sentiment but if we get real about us gay folk we all know that is bullshit.

The hot twink will get 50 times more birthday wishes than the overweight and marginally attracted twink- again just look at friends lists on the various sites like Facebook and watch to see their walls when it is their birthdays...it shows that we, as gay people for the most part, value what is on the outside rather within and I think that is sad because it keeps us from really knowing what it is like for someone to really love us as we are.

Sorry to digress but that has always been an issue to me- how young gays especially, that are no totally fit or less than stunning, are pushed to the wayside while those who either naturally are perfect get all the attention and accolades. For me that is limiting- if I care about someone it doesn't matter if they are fit as a fiddle or looking like the Pillsbury Dough Boy...if someone is honest, open and is a good soul that is really all that matters..at least for me.

Back to the birthday- I didn't really want sex for my birthday- my partner and I are monogamous. I just wanted to feel like I was spending the day with people that really cared about me and just were not saying happy birthday because a Facebook or MySpace said that they had to.

Despite the monkey wrenches this year two people made an effort and for that I will always be grateful.

Perhaps next year I should just cancel the birthday all together or maybe hurt my back then at least I can be the one comfortably numb on Vicodins and Valium so what ever happens in the day would just be a blur!

Finally thanks to everyone that left birthday messages, texts and emails...although I whined a bit in this post everyone's efforts were sincerely appreciated.

YOU GO BETTY!

I just want to say that I love Betty White...



88 years old and still doing stuff...I guess that is how you stay alive and she was funny on SNL last Saturday

Here it is if you missed it:

GAY PORN PAYS THE BILLS

Well here is something mainstream for you...well sort of...

That is a Czech twink...apparently named Pavel.

I saw this piece on CBS News and thought it was interesting. It is titled "In Czech Republic, Gay Porn Pays the Bills"

Here is a snippet from the article:

"According to a report by GlobalPost.com, the Czech Republic has become one of the leading production centers for gay pornography, behind the United States, which still has a powerful grip on the international market.

Pornography, in general, is big business, generating up to $12 billion worldwide, according to the report. Some estimates have gay porn accounting for up to half of that.

What makes the Czech Republic such a hub?

With unemployment rates high, "models" are attracted to the relatively big paydays. Before a recent spike in competition, Czech actors could make thousands of dollars for just a few days work.

Culturally, the Czech Republic, particularly in Prague, is much more liberal in their outlook on sex and sexuality than, say, the U.S."

NO KIDDING!

But then again they do not have the Christian Taliban contradicting themselves like we have here. Allegedly the human form was made in God's image and yet nudity is somehow shameful...oh yeah because of that Adam and Eve myth...ever wonder if Adam and Eve covered up their elbows if it would be indecent exposure to expose elbows instead of penises?

Anyhow I hate it when the mainstream media calls is "pornography". That word has such a negative connotation. I prefer the more appropriate adult oriented entertainment. Sure some slut woman getting fucked by a German Sheppard is certainly pornographic. But two beautiful making love is not pornographic to me.

So next time you hear an American twink complaining about not getting a job suggest doing gay porn- it seems to work for the Czechs and at this point in the USA it may be one of the few businesses that still boom in the depressed economy the Bush Crime Family left for the Obama administration!

LOVE YOUR GAY NEIGHBOR TOO

Yesterday I mentioned that Jesus never spoke of homosexuality and that lesbians were never mentioned in the New Testament.

Yet these people that call themselves "Christians" continue to insist that hating gays as sinful people was something their Christ advocated.

What brain dead Bible literalists fail to understand is that words were different back then- especially when words were translated.

In one of the Gospels, Matthew, there is Jesus talking about Eunuchs...these were the people of his time that had sam sex attractions. Gay folk were not invented in the 20th century- from the early Greeks to the Pagan tribes in his part of the world same sex attractions have always been around and just the way they are today.

So when you hear someone claiming that in Jesus' name they have the God given right to condemn us queers remind them about what he said about Eunuchs in his time...here is a video to help you with that.



Whether you believe that Jesus Christ was who they said he was you have to admit that he preached some really liberal and decent things to the corrupt people of his time. And like I said yesterday- he was put to death to be silenced because he was upsetting the comfortable status quo the religious leaders enjoyed...those of us who dare to speak up or condemn hate-based organized religion are continuing his work whether we realize that or not!

JESUS- THE ORIGINAL LIBERAL

Today is Good Friday and I am wondering what would happen if the events that occurred 1,968 years ago were happening today how many good "Christians" would prevent Jesus Christ from being nailed to a cross.

In the United States, and around the world for that matter, the person Jesus Christ- and subsequently the work he did on Earth has all but been forgotten but the majority of Christians.

It doesn't matter what denomination they are- from conservative Catholics to the shameful Phelps freaks that pretend to have a church that represents a God, these sick and twisted sheep have totally ignored the fact that the living Jesus was probably one of the world's original liberal thinkers and activists.

If you get past all the different stories in the Bible about the Passion of Christ and look at what really was going on at the time it is clear that he was put to death to silence what he was telling people.

Not a fan of the status quo at the time, the wealthy and important minimizes those in a lesser position then they were and not at all comfortable with all the purity laws from Leviticus- which were written to make sure the population of the time did not do any of the things pagan tribes in the region did, Jesus spoke out and rocked the proverbial boat.

Flash forward to the present. Seems like the same dynamic he dealt with all those many years ago has reared it's ugly head again. Churches that are more concerned with saving money than saving souls. Pharisees and hypocrites by the millions who use his name and ignore every single love-based message he preached.

The sick and twisted in America call themselves conservatives Christians (this, again can be any denomination) and yet if you look at the actions and the words of Christ he was clearly a liberal in his time.

So how can anyone in their right mind decide that they can be a follower of Jesus Christ and call themselves conservative?

The conservative Christians, in the last few years, have been worried about us gays getting married. Having the same right heterosexuals do to purchase a state issued license. The conservative Christians of our time, like in the time of Jesus, love power and the ability to make people do what they believe it right...meanwhile using God's name to justify their bigotry and ignorance.

It is the conservative Christians that cheer leaded the Bush Crime Family when we invaded Iraq and killed men, women and children that never did a damn thing to the United States.

It is the conservative Christians that joined with right-wing propagandists like Rush Limbaugh in denouncing anyone who was protesting the invasion of Iraq and the needless deaths of thousands upon thousands of US soldiers who were ordered to go kill and maim people who never attacked the United States.

It is the conservative Christians who glorify in death and destruction and who are the ones responsible for the teaching of hate and homophobia in the world with sometimes horrific consequences.

Don't think so?

Remember Lawrence King?





Lawrence King, who declared himself gay and presented femininely, had been harassed by schoolmates for months in Oxnard’s E.O. Green Middle School. McInerney, slightly younger than King, but physically more dominating and tough, had participated in these bullying sessions, according to classmates of both boys. As Valentine’s Day 2008 neared, King let McInerney know that he liked him. Teased about it by other students, McInerney allegedly brought a 22 calibre pistol to school, and shot King in the back of the head while the boys were in their morning computer class.

This child did not come out of the womb fearing gays- he was taught that...and probably in Jesus' name.

There was nothing conservative about Christ at all and yet we let these modern day Pharisees have sway in America and around the world. Despite the fact that liberal Jesus never uttered one word about homosexuality (in fact lesbians are not mentioned anywhere in the New Testament) these people stay damned and determined to make sure people hate what they fear.

Just like in his time, we have a population of fear-based people. The Jews used Leviticus and "God" to scare their population into behaving the way the power brokers of the time wanted them to. Today the same holds true- the name of Christ and the God these people claim to revere is used to justify fear based hate and bigotry.

And just like then, if Jesus were here today, he would be denouncing that. He would be telling them all about themselves like he did with the people back then.

And if he were here today, we would be watching a live report on FOX NEWS as he was nailed to a cross again because he was liberal and was ruining the comfortable status quo these conservative Christian bigots have in this country today.

So when I hear some claim that they are a conservative Christian I laugh in their face. They ignore every single lesson and message Jesus attempted to teach- they ignore his warning about not hurting children and they only love their neighbor so long as their neighbor agrees with their belief system or ideology.

Just look at the conservative Catholic Church- they have a Pope who covered up even more cases of priests molesting children and yet have the audacity to preach the hate and exclusion of gay people around the world. Which would Jesus prefer- a gay male couple or closted pedophiles that use his name to cover up their crimes?

Damn right we would be seeing a present day Jesus Christ being nailed to a cross today and Rush Limbaugh, along with the rest of the Christian right leaders, in all denominations, would be leading the march up the hill and arguing who would get to drive in the first nail through the wrists of the liberal trouble maker Jesus Christ.

So as you watch people flock to their churches, pretending they are moved or give a damn about the murder of Jesus Christ back then, ask them what they do to honor what he taught?

If they call themselves conservatives ask them how that can be when Jesus was a liberal.

And ask them if a present day Jesus would condone all the things they support that end up spreading hate and division rather than love and inclusion as he preached back then?

Don't expect an answer- because these people are not in the habit of thinking for themselves.

I will leave you with my favorite Easter themed song today...

PUSHING JOHNEE'S BUTTON

Meet Johneepixels7...

No, this adorable 23-year-old Australian twink does not do adult films...although with his looks and those eyes (not to mention the accent) he probably could.

His work in front of the camera lives on YouTube and the name of his page is...well not a hard guess...JOHNEEPIXELS7.

One of my long time friends on Facebook posted the vid below and after watching a bunch of this guy's videos I am becoming a real fan!

The topic of this vidlog is a DISLIKE BUTTON ON FACEBOOK!

So give the vid a look if you like. I love this guy's personality...he is definitely a Leo- born on July 25, 1985 and this little lion will make you roar with laughter in some of his vids!




And by the way you can click here to follow him on Twitter!

THE CLOCK IS TICKING

JUST A LITTLE REMINDER...



It’s that time of the year to turn your clocks an hour ahead tonight, Saturday night. While you’re changing the clocks around your home take the time to change the batteries in your smoke detectors and test them to make sure they still work!

At least San Diego and Phoenix will be on the same time again!

And I guess it is Spring Break...lots of drinking kids soon...and speaking of drinking...this is one of the best songs that describes alcoholics. Fish (Derek Dick) who was the lead singer for Marillion actually went into twelve step recovery and I believe wrote this song and others on the "Clutching At Straws" album in 1987.

I love the whole album...it was me...a long time ago...




SPRING AHEAD EVERYONE!

LEGAL GAY MARRIAGE IN MEXICO CITY

I found the pictures in this post today and they are of protesters at last year's gay pride parade in Mexico. From the information I could find, they were not protesting the homos, drag queens and gay supporters. It seemed that the nude protesters were using the parade to further their publicity of their campaign for Mexican farmers. This has been an growing concern with the working class members of Mexico for quite some time.

I am including the pics in this post because I think it is cool and something that we, here in the so-called land of freedom, could never do. If they had been doing that at Gay Pride in San Diego they would have been roughed up and put into the paddy wagon and carted off to jail- and then put on the sex offendersd registry with the same people that rape children- this state is really stupid sometimes.


Anyhow, hatever the cause, anytime a hot Latin guy wants to get naked, I am a full supporter!

And it seems the government in Mexico City, just this past week, is a supporter as well. Maybe not of publicly naked Mexican twinks but of their rights to equal protection under the law.

Not only did they legalize gay marriage they are passing a law to make it legal for gay couples to adopt.


So if heavily Catholic Mexico can do it why the fuck are we so backwards in California. The answer is fundamentalist within the different sects of Christianity- be it Mormons, Baptists or even good Catholics we still have the idea of religion and state being separated being thrown to the wayside.

Of course the freaks came out in Mexico City and denounced the rukling of the courts.

Perhaps the most asinine statement I read comes from Norberto Rivera, a leading Mexican Catholic cleric, arguing that the law violates the rights of children.

"The government should be the first to respect the need for children to have a father and a mother," he says.

TAKE NOTE THAT THESE GOOD CATHOLICS SEEM TO CLOSE THEIR EYES WHEN CHILDREN ARE MOLESTED BY PRIESTS, OR WHEN CHILDREN ARE LEFT TO STARVE WHILE THE VATICAN HAS PRICELESS TREASURES. HOW ABOUT KIDS IN GOOD CATHOLIC HOMES- WITH A MOTHER AND FATHER, THAT MAYBE BEAT THEM OR MENTALLY ABUSE THEM?

I GUESS TO THESE TWISTED BASTARDS THAT DOESN'T MATTER- BUT HAVE TWO PARENTS OF THE SAME SEX THAT WILL LOVE AND NUTURE A CHILD AND THAT IS BAD.

WE LIVE IN A SICK FUCKING WORLD, DON'T WE?

here is some more idiocy...

The official Catholic newspaper of Mexico City, Desde La Fe or From the Faith, calls the law "immoral, unacceptable and reprehensible".

Ok so is it moral to deny certain people we hate the rights others get? Is it moral to leave orphaned kids in some sleazy orphanage when two people- same sex or not want to do the right thing and bring a child into a loving home? Is it moral to take one's own prejudices and fears and place them on the neighbors Jesus Christ told people they damn well better "love as themselves"?

More insanity...

Jose Martín Rabago, the archbishop of the central state of Leon, goes further, questioning whether recent natural disasters in the country are a divine response to "legal initiatives which affect the base of society; the family".

He must be friends with sick ass Pat Robertson- remember it was us queers that caused 9/11! Here is a news flash for this dumcb bastard...in every family...in every single country on earth you will find GAY people.

The religious right, with their man-made twisting of a religion that started out based on peace and love, uses that same argument and scare tactic to continue to persuade idiots in California and even idiots on our own Supreme Court to keep us queers from marrying.

My partner and I have been together for almost eights years and have lived where we do for neasrly three years. The good man-woman families around us beat their kids, mentally torture them and have their own marital problems (the wife upstairs found out a few months ago that hubby was cheating on her)...I don't think being a same-sex household caused all that to happen.

It is about time the Catholics and the rest of these freaky bastrds start looking at how their own shit smells and stay out of ours.

In California, the bottom line is the denial of a state issued license to a group of people the majority hates. How can that be legal or moral?

So bravo to Mexico City and for us here in California one of the first laws we need to have the state assembly and Senate pass is one the prohibits ballot propositions that either encourage or support predjudicial outcomes against a certain group of tax paying citizens in the state.

In other words propositions like the one that banned gay marriage should never be legal if it involves the stripping away of equal rightsd and equal protection under the law for all California citizens...not just the citizens the a church of the poisoned minds approve of.

Here are a few more of the pics:

Viva Mexico!

DANIEL AND TREVOR

Daniel Radcliffe is explaining why he has just filmed a public service announcement for The Trevor Project, the leading organization focusing on suicide prevention efforts among gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered youth.

Because his parents were both actors, "I grew up knowing a lot of gay men and it was never something that I even thought twice about — that some men were gay and some weren't," the "Harry Potter" megastar said Friday. "And then I went to school and (for) the first time ... I came across homophobia. ... I had never encountered it before. It shocked me.

"I have always hated anybody who is not tolerant of gay men or lesbians or bisexuals," he added. "Now I am in the very fortunate position where I can actually help or do something about it."

The result is a PSA that was filmed Friday at the organization's Wall Street offices. The announcement is scheduled to air sometime this spring.

Radcliffe first became aware of The Trevor Project, founded in 1998 by three filmmakers, while he was appearing on Broadway in the 2008 revival of "Equus." Their movie, "Trevor," which won an Academy Award for best short film, concerned a gay teen who attempts suicide. The Trevor Project allows young people to call in for counseling or just to talk.

"I have described myself as being 'gently eccentric' and slightly different as a person just because I've had a very different set of influences growing up than anybody else in my peer group did," the 20-year-old Radcliffe said. "I've always felt very lucky to have the life that I've had. I never had to cope with anything serious about my religion or sexual orientation or anything like that.

"I think it's important for somebody from a big, commercial movie series like 'Harry Potter' and particularly because I am not gay or bisexual or transgendered. ... The fact that I am straight makes not a difference, but it shows that straight people are incredibly interested and care a lot about this as well."

source: CJonline.com

DON'T GIVE UP- RIP ANDREW

I really feel very sad for Walter Koenig, who played Chekhov on Star Trek and who I had the pleasure of meeting on a couple of occasions.

The LA Times is reporting that his son, Andrew, was indeed found dead in Vancouver.

Here is an excerpt from the latest story from the LA Times:

A tearful Walter Koenig appeared at a press conference Thursday evening to confirm that a body found earlier in the day in Vancouver's Stanley Park was that of his son, missing "Growing Pains" actor Andrew Koenig.

"My son took his own life," Walter Koenig said, wife Judy at his side.

Both parents and about 10 of Andrew's friends had returned to Stanley Park -- which at 1,000 acres is larger than New York's Central Park -- on Thursday morning to conduct their own search. They split into teams, Walter said, and after about two hours a call came from the other team saying that Andrew's body had been found. Walter and Judy then went to the site.

The Koenigs pleaded with others who might have depressed family members to recognize the signs.

Walter Koenig appealed to those who might be in emotional pain: "If you can learn anything from this, it's that there are people out there who really care, and you may not think so, and ultimately it may not be enough, but ... before you make that final decision, check it out again, talk to somebody."

Said Judy: "Don't rationalize away anything -- connect with each other if there's something that's bothering you, because there's love out there."

The trouble is that when things go bad for people, when life kicks you in the ass these days most people in our world turn a blind eye.

They make excuses or simply disappear...I know because I have suffered with severe depression a couple of times in my life.

Everyone loves the jester but when he cries it ruins the fun and people tend to run away...the exact opposite of what should be done for someone silently suffering.

Different people deal with stress, emotional sadness and pain in different ways. Some are cutters and some turn to substance abuse.

Ones like Andrew Koenig may smile on the outside while dying inside. And is very hard to help someone if you don't know they are in pain.

So to my friends, readers and anyone out there that may be thinking of giving up- don't.

Walter and Judy are right- even if it seems like it...and even if so-called friends don't seem to care there is someone somehwre that will...so talk about how you feel, let it out and don't give up.

Again my condolences and prayers go out to Walter and Judy.

I am lucky to have my partner...because when I feel like giving up, when it seems like the whole world has gone to shit, when the people you thought were friends and said they loved turn out to be demons in disguise, when life takes a big shit on me he reminds me to listen to this song...




...and then I remember that if I give up today I will miss what will be good tomorrow...things pass...life is about change.

Stopping it before your time may end up causing you to miss a few miracles that may have come your way if you hadn't gave up.


YOU CAN READ THE REST OF THE LA TIMES PIECE HERE.

This is a clip from CBS news:

Download:

FLVMP43GP

Download:

FLVMP43GP

I'm Going To Fly Away...

Don't let the past remind us of what are not now...

I love that lyric from this song...and I am thinking of a very special person I still miss...that came into my life for a long while last year and then for all practical reasons went away. I miss you my friend.

This is Crosby Stills and Nash at the Woodstock festival in 1969






Stephen Stills wrote this about his then-girlfriend, Folk singer Judy Collins. In their 1991 boxed set, Stills said: "It started out as a long narrative poem about my relationship with Judy Collins. It poured out of me over many months and filled several notebooks. I had a hell of a time getting the music to fit. I was left with all these pieces of song and I said, 'Let's sing them together and call it a suite,' because they were all about the same thing and they led up to the same point."

that's all for now...